I want to be a man.

Or a husband. Yes, most definitely a husband.

There. I said it. Outloud so everyone can read it. (Jeff’s out-of-town, so I can say this without serious repercussions from the Youth Minister. Just don’t TELL him I’ve revealed my deepest darkest secret. I’m a WHIZ with a filet knife, duct tape, and Tupperware. I can serve you to my children for dinner and hide the bones. Just sayin.’)

But I realized the other day, being a wife/mother can REALLY seriously suck sometimes!  

(I love my husband, I love my kids, that is not what this is about.)

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I finally sat down after I’d worked a 9 1/2 hour day and the first words out of everyone’s mouth the second their eyeballs see my body in my chair is:

“What’s for dinner?”

Huh? Seriously? NOW? I just sat down! (If I had a dime for everytime I heard my Mom say that growing up. Sorry, Mom, for every time I asked the above question, I deeply, deeply apologize.)

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I may have roughly about 5 minutes from the time the last child goes home, to sit and completely relax, all sprawled out, very unladylike, in my chair, usually with eyes closed. If I’m lucky I get 5 minutes. On Wednesday nights, because of church, I have to get dinner started at 4 for it to be ready by the time everyone is home. Then, the second Austin is home from football practice, and Mike is home from work, it’s tag-team showers, while the other is shoveling food in his face to even have a SHOT at making it to church in time.

Mike: comes home, leisurely walks around talking to all 3 of our lovely children. Forages for food. Then takes a nice, long, hot shower. Then, his butt meets his chair and he’s done for the night. Thank you, if you need me, I hold court right here….the children adore him. Here, Dad, I colored this for you….I made an A on this paper…..I farted in class today and it was the FUNNIEST thing, Dad……something something something FOOTBALL blah blah blah FOOTBALL, Dad…..
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Puke.

I mean….uhhh….I’m not resentful AT.ALL. {whistling and looking around}

I get:

What’s for dinner? That again? I won’t eat that! That’s worm food, not even WORM FOOD, worms wouldn’t eat that either….That’s not nutricious enough, Mom, I have to have so many grams of carbs and so many grams of protien. Just make me a steak and I’ll eat that…..MOMMMMMMM!!! MOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! I NEED JUICE!……..I need jeans. No not THOSE jeans, there’s no designer label. You have a WHAT??? A COUPON? I can’t wear them if my friends ever found out they were bought with a COUPON!…….I’m out of lunch money again……..My gym/art/computer/math/english fee is due, I need X amount of dollars….THE DOG’S OUT AGAIN!

And that’s all while I’m cooking dinner.

The car needs gas, honey……can I have a few dollars for lunch…..do you have your part of the house payment yet?……..What’s that smell? Do you smell that?? It’s coming from over there…….

Whatever happened to: you look nice today, honey! Let’s go OUT to dinner tonight! WOW! Look at the house! You got a lot done today! Thanks, honey, I know how hard you work. I’m proud of you.

Where did all those words disappear to? I’m thinking they got lost somewhere in the afterbirth…..sorry to be so graphic. ;)

I find myself hiding some nights. Different places sometimes, but always hiding. If they find me, they’ll show me papers requesting money, or schoolwork that needs signatures because it wasn’t done. They’ll whine for clothes, shoes, juice, a “chocolate” baby, and food. If they know where I’m at, something will need to be done/fixed/or found.

Dad’s in plain sight. See him? Right there!! No, of course, I don’t mind kissing the ouchies or holding someone when they are upset or sick. But more times than not it’s:

Why do I have to go to bed at blah blah time? Everyone else my age goes to bed whenever they want to……Mom have you seen my shoes?……. MOMMMMMM! There’s something gross on my sheets, I’m not sleeping here……..So and So touched me!……Mom tell him to STOP!……….

And just about the time all the angels are in bed, the house grows quiet, the teeth are brushed, the havoc from the day has finally stopped, and I’m sitting quietly in my chair again next to my handsome, stress-free husband, I hear:

Mom? Did you do laundry? I’m out of socks/underwear/my favorite shirt/shorts. Thanks, Mom.

Love you!

OK, I guess I will stay the Mom, at least for today. I kind of like snuggling with 2 of my kids in my chair. I like having my oldest son curl up next to me in the bed to talk about his day. Painting Brooklyn’s toes is pretty special. The hugs and kisses…..and it’s me they come to when they are upset. Maybe it’s not so bad.

But I may change my mind on Monday. ;)

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