Yesterday, the mask came crashing down.

It didn’t go gracefully, or slip just a little, it crashed and broke into a million pieces. And it wasn’t pretty. Oh. It wasn’t pretty.

I am

Afraid.

Like, seriously, afraid. I hate saying that. I hate knowing that I am this good Christian person and yet I am still afraid. I’m afraid Mike won’t find a job in time to save our house. I’m afraid the pantry will go empy because there’s not enough to cover utilities and house and car AND food. I’m desperately afraid that Christmas is coming and my sweet beautiful kids will go without. I am afraid of losing everything we’ve worked so hard to get, and because my husband was laid off, we’ll lose it all. All that work….all that accomplishment….just…gone.

I

am

afraid.

Some things just should not be written…..and maybe this is one of those posts that shouldn’t have been written.

But where is the honesty in that? I’m a good person. I’ve given money to people I’ve never met before on so many occasions. I give snacks to homeless people. I have taken thousands of photos for so many people and never asked for a dime. I’ve just randomly done kind things to all sorts of people more times than I can count. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t have s e x outside of my marriage. I don’t listen to “bad” music. I haven’t cussed in 18 months.

Yes, I did joke quite a few times yesterday about pulling a Dick and Jane* ….and Wednesday…..but it was only a joke, and just to make myself laugh.

But bad stuff happens all the time to good people! And I’m really not all that great……I’m mean sometimes just because people can seriously get on my last nerve…..Grrrrrr.

But the point is, bad stuff isn’t going to NOT come to good, Christian people. And good, Christian people can get angry. We can get scared. And we can scream at God. Sometimes a lot.

And loudly.

And cry. Very.very.uuuuugly crying…..not pretty crying…..like snottin’ all over the place, heaving, scary sobs that makes neighbor dogs bark. (Sorry Hannah. I may owe you a new shirt. heh)

But God isn’t watching from Heaven thinking “Gosh, Dana sure isn’t taking this very well…..I’ll let her sit a little longer….” or “WOW, forget it, Dana’s a mess, I’m not gonna use her after all….Peter, did you see the mess she made on Hannah’s shirt?? Forget it. I’m pulling the plug on her.”

We just studied on Sunday the story of Mary and Martha: Luke 10:38-41

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Brian couldn’t have picked a better lesson for Sunday. One that would stay with me through the week, and was pertinent to our situation.

As a wife and mother, I totally understand Martha’s feelings. And it’s so easy to fall into that with all of the things that we have to worry about.

But my point on Sunday was Jesus reaction to Martha. In my head, when I read what Martha said to Jesus, it is full of attitude, exasperation, and fatigue…..all the same stuff I deal with all the time: I am tired, and I’m sick of working so hard all.the.time. And in my exasperation, I lash out sometimes.

But Jesus reaction was KIND. It wasn’t exasperated over HER exasperation…..it was kind. “My dear Martha…..” He wasn’t angry at her because she expressed her fatigue and frustration. He didn’t yell at her and tell her to back up and count to 10 before she talks to Him again because she better not ever use that tone with Him again….. {ahem}

Like yesterday, I sat in the car in my garage (garage door open, people, I’m not suicidal. LOL It was quiet there with no kids and I could scream and yell and cry without my family calling the men in the white coats for me. ) and I had a good fit with God. I said exactly what I was feeling, exactly how I was feeling them. Stuff better left unsaid here.

And very quietly, I received: “My dear Dana, you are worried and upset over all these details!” And in the rearview mirror, I see a suburban pull up in front of the house and I sat confused as to who would be here at this hour, and OMGosh, I am a MESS! LOL

And up my driveway walks my 2 closest friends.

I sat there dumbly looking in the rearview mirror at them til they had made it to the door and I was in shock. Even in my fit-throwin’, God heard me and had started working on my behalf before I had even walked out to sit in the car.

God had put things in motion before I had even realized I needed help.

So today, I’m reminded that I’m not alone. My prayers are, in fact, being heard loud and clear even before I pray them. And God does not hate me. LOL

And my fear is better today. I have to trust God and not get worked up about the details, I have to stay in the Word, and stay in prayer. And not lose hope.

Just keep praying for us! That’s exactly what we need. God is working and moving all around us, even when I’m stupid. And we’ll see where God is leading us….

*And by “pulling a Dick and Jane”, I meant the reference to the Jim Carey movie: Fun with Dick and Jane, at least, I think that’s the name of it. And it’s just a joke. I promise not to pull off any bank hiests.

EDITED TO ADD: As I was preparing to post this, God provided an entire house payment for December as well. Out of the blue, from an unlikely source. We’ve both been praying for God to show us His Almighty Power…..and He definitely is coming through loud and clear! Thank You, Lord Almighty!