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I have all of these things I want to ask….to say….to talk to you about.

But, how do you do that?

I’ll just write it here, knowing full well, you’ll never see it.  But secretly wishing you would.

You’ve missed so much!  You’ve missed sitting with him in the hospital after his emergency brain surgery.   Watching his every breath to make sure the next one is coming.  That fear of not knowing if he was going to make it through.  That horrible drive home from Florida to Oklahoma with these awful, awful stitches in his head.  Cringing over every bump or going past the Hospital signs on the highway, not knowing where the next hospital was….just in case.  The stares from people when we would have to stop and they would see his head….the swelling and Frankenstein incision.  All of those terrible emotions that have bonded us with him forever.

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All of those drs visits to keep him alive.  And still, always the stares from strangers wondering about his head and his horseshoe-shaped scar.  But even more recently…

He’s crawling now.  Something we never thought he would do.  He is pulling up to stand, shocking all of his therapists.

He laughs the most beautiful sound, and you swear there are angels in the room with you.

You can gauge his happiness and joy by the size of his open mouth smile.

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He just cut 2 tiny teeth.

I think he has food allergies like his brother, so we have to avoid peas so far.  But we’ve been through this with Little Man, so we aren’t so afraid anymore.

He LOVES to eat avocadoes!  Fresh bananas he wrinkles his nose up at, and we have nicknamed him Hoover because he picks up EVERYTHING off of the floor.

He just turned 9 months old.  He weighs 18 lbs and 6 ozs now.  He’s still skinny, but he’s really long.  I think he’s going to be tall like you.  Sometimes, when he smiles, I see your face.  I think your mom would too.

He also adores the basketball.  He’ll swat it around the living room and giggle, chasing after it, only to swat it away again, and laugh.  I think he’s going to be a baller like you were.

He has these beautiful, beautiful eyes, with mile long lashes.

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He’s so handsome.  Some days, I just sit and watch him in amazement.  God saved your son.  He saved him from death 3 separate times.  I hope you know Christ.  We pray that you do, or you will.

Yes, we pray for you.  You are not the sum of your mistakes.  Christ came for you, too, and loves you as much as He loves me.

Somedays I’m afraid you’ll come back and take him.  Is that wrong?  We pray God’s will for Baby Boy, and if it’s not in our favor, we pray He’ll heal our hearts.  God will go with him wherever he is.  I know he’s your son, but most days, I pretend he’s mine.

But in the mean time, in this time of not knowing, we’ll take great care of him.  We love him so much.

I’ll update you more as time goes by.

Love,

Baby Boy’s Foster Mom

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