I found your photo today online.
Yes, I googled you. I was curious. That’s probably weird.
Part of me is really glad I found it, and another part is sad I did. Again, that’s probably weird.
I guess what I had pictured in my head was a monster. Who could do this to their child? Who could abandon their own children in such a manner? So, in my head, I expected you to resemble something out of nightmares or in the very least, some evil step mother from a Disney movie. Something evil and hideous looking.
But what I saw staring back at me (figuratively) was something entirely different.
You look sad.
You look tired.
You look terribly alone.
But I think it was that awful look of sadness that really got me. It wasn’t the eyes of a monster looking back at me, you were sad. I wasn’t expecting that. You didn’t look angry or belligerent. You didn’t look high or under the influence. You looked like this was just an awful part of your life that you have become accustomed to.
You look sad.
I saved the photo. It’s the only photo I have of you, and I still believe it’s important for them to know where they came from. I don’t want them to hate you or love me over you, that serves no purpose. I don’t want to alienate them against you either, that’s why I’ve never corrected her when she tells the story about “what happened to the baby”. She doesn’t need to know the truth of what happened, that’s too awful for anyone to have to live with.
Princess Tiana is happy to see your face again, and she has no idea it’s a mug shot, and we’ll just keep that information to ourselves until she’s old enough to understand. She’s just happy to see you again. She’s happy to have your face looking back at her when she “talks” to you. She needs that I think.
I pray, Birth mom, that when God sends those little interceptions into your life, you see them and you recognize them for what they are: God’s way of trying to get your attention. I pray that you will one day see and feel the love of God like I do. I pray that your heart will be open enough to accept it. We are all bad. We are all monsters of one sort or another. It’s His grace that saved me.
He can save yours as well.
You have lost your children, Birth mom, so your eyes may never truly be the same, but with God’s mercy and grace, He can restore your joy. I pray you find it.
I pray that the truth of what happened that terrible night will come out and justice will be served. I don’t wish ill of anyone, I wish only for justice. And I pray that you will find peace. I’m sorry for any abuse that may have happened to you in your past.
I promise it will not continue in the lives of your children.
As God is my witness.
The Foster Mom
She would like you to “see” her Easter dress. She picked it out all by herself.