This week’s theme is tooshies. Now, I don’t know about you, but I had a hard time figuring out this one! I know I REALLY pushed the envelope with the Breast Cancer Awareness photo, but I’m not usually one to take pictures of overt body parts….

…or so I thought.

Once I got looking, I had a bigger problem of deciding on which ONE to use. You see, they say “I HEART TOOSHIES” and I thought “HUH??” (sometimes I’m too literal-minded) But all they are wanting is pictures taken from BEHIND, not necessarily THE behind, ya know what I’m sayin? And I do have a thing about taking pictures from behind, especially my own children, usually walking away from me. Or couples holding hands…

This is making me think OUTSIDE the box a little, a good thing to stir creativity.

This is a photo of my amazing Hair Diva that gives me great hair. Yes, especially my pink streaks I love so much. She is easy to photograph! Thanks, Ash!

So, I encourage everyone to think OUTSIDE THE BOX a little and cause a stir in that grey matter! Photography should be FUN! Thanks, iHeartfaces for challenging us each week!

I had a dream the other night. It was one of those surreal dreams where you can SEE yourself in the dream, watch yourself, know the thoughts you are thinking in the dream, and yet, at the same time, you are watching from somewhere above and can see and know things that the “me” in the dream can’t see or know.

Confused yet? That’s alright, it’s probably rambling anyway…

But in the dream, I was with my family and we were doing all kinds of fun stuff together: went to this big farm where they had this large pumpkin patch, went shopping at a home improvement store, and went to a small amusement park.

Just normal errands or activities that a family would do. We laughed and overall had a good time. The boys ran ahead throwing the football back and forth like they are prone to do. And Brooklyn ran back and forth between her brothers and Mike and I. They even bickered like they normally do at times.

But what the “me” in the dream didn’t see or know, but the “me” watching from above could see……

…was we were being pursued by something.

It really is hard to describe other than it was Dark and it was not good, almost like an ever-growing shadow. And it was constantly pursuing us.

Remember the movie “The Neverending Story”? The Nothing? Picture that, but in Shadow form. It was scary! And there was no way of warning the “me” in the dream. I could see it always back there, turning and moving……and always coming closer.

And yet, somehow, we always stayed one step ahead of it. It might come close, but it never overtook us. We might get a good jog ahead of it, but it was always coming.

And the “me” in the dream had no idea. We maintained our normal schedule, we continued with our plans, and lived life like a normal day.

I woke up from the dream shaken and scared because I could see the impending Dark behind us and knew the Evil that was back there.

Today, it kind of made sense. Some days, we do really well: we are fully trusting Christ to meet our every need, we have faith that God is hearing us, and we know that He will take care of us. Those are GOOD days! I LIVE for those days!

And then, there are days like today when the weight of the world, the weight of our job-less situation sits heavy on us and makes it hard to breathe. Days like today when faith is completely lost and it’s hard to trust in anything!

These type of days, the Shadow is close to overtaking us and enveloping us and whispers to us “Christmas is coming…..Santa has nothing for your kids.” “2 more weeks, and then your last house payment is spent, and January’s coming.” “No one’s calling. You’re finished.” And it’s easy to listen to it, to block out all the good that God has done for us, and just listen to that dark, whispering shadow.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith.

1 Peter 5:7-9a

That’s why it’s so important to stay in the Word of God. God reminds me with verses like these when the Dark starts whispering. He reminds me in strange dreams that I can’t understand til days later and by then, I’ve already found the verses I need to hold onto and remember and meditate on.

Job 4:6
Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence?Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?

Job 11:18
Having hope will give you courage.You will be protected and will rest in safety.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Father God, today, I was afraid. Today, I dropped my eyes from You and looked around at what is surrounding us. Today, I did not fair so well. Thank You for giving me hope. Thank You for encouraging me and reminding me where my Hope comes from. Lord, forgive me for losing my faith and failing to trust You. Thank You for the provisions You have for us. Please help us stand strong. Help me to be strong for Mike when he needs me. Send us something. We want Your perfect will for us. Give us guidance and direction and keep us always focused on You. Help us to be thankful for all You’ve done for us. In Jesus mighty name…..

We haven’t heard anything on the job hunt. My husband had a second interview for Lowe’s, and then never heard back. He’s called twice, however, the man he needs to talk to hasn’t been in. Hopefully it’s the holiday week, and not because he’s hired someone else.

And while we are waiting for a job, God has AMAZED me with His awesome provision! Thank You, Father God, for providing for my family!

Although, I have been praying that God will blind them to Mike’s resume and application at ALL jobs that He does not want him working. May sound odd, but we desire God’s perfect will, not just going out on our own and doing anything for the sake of making money. We believe that God’s will is divine and if He is preparing that perfect job for Mike that meets all of our needs both financially and for our family, and He WILL take care of our needs while we wait.

But on another front, obviously we have been deep in prayer and trying to seek God’s plan for us, and we believe that God is leading us into an area of ministry that I am UBER excited about! It combines our love of youth and children and our love for missions and it’s a prospect that makes me well up with tears of JOY if the promptings we’ve gotten were interpreted right.

I know, terribly vague.

However, while we are in the mode of seeking God’s divine wisdom, I hate to share a lot of information until we know for sure. I’ve been asking the Lord to give me a drop, a shred, a peek, ANYTHING of the HOPE He has for us. And I believe He’s shown us a little bitty shred of a much bigger puzzle He is working out for us. And it’s HUGE!

I believe it was a year ago, a friend of ours shared that he had this dream and in the dream God was showing him this SOMETHING BIG hidden inside of this airline hangar. Can you see the degree of BIG I’m talking about? When he mentioned that, my heart jumped because that’s the something BIG I’ve felt like God has in store for us! Obviously, it’s a different airplane hangar than what Brad saw, but that’s the magnitude of it!

And I also know, that while we are praying and meditating on God’s word about this, Satan can send people to distract us and mislead us away from what God’s plan is. Not to mention the ones he sends to just wreck our hopes altogether: the ones that point out everything negative about it, the ones that discount what we feel led to do or our ability to do it, or just the ones so jealous of anyone else’s good fortune, they have to poop all over it.

We all have those kinds of people right?

So, if you are not a Negative Nelly, and believe that God Almighty can and WILL do great and wonderful things, would you please pray for us? Pray for God’s wisdom and direction? Pray that we will focus on only His words and no one elses? Pray that we will receive with divine understanding. Pray that what God has in store for us will be made possible in glorious ways. Maybe even pray that those Negative Nelly’s will stay far from us. Pray that every need will be met, both GREAT and small and that people will amazed by our Creator and what He can do for those that trust in Him!

And when I can, I promise to share what we are praying about.

This week’s theme is SUNFLARE!

This is something I learned how to do over the summer and I LOVE it! There is a little trick to it, and if you aren’t careful, you can very much OVER do it. Not that I’ve ever done that. Nope. Not me. Not at all. And especially not over the weekend at a photo session with some sweet friends of mine. Of course they are perfect and I the sun flare is NOT so terribly bad that you can’t even see the people. I am a master photographer and would never make silly mistakes like that.

{ahem}

Oh, no you won’t be seeing THAT photo….trust me….

Instead, I’ll use the sun flare photo that my nice friends, Travis and Kerrie, so generously allowed me to take on THEIR photo shoot! They humored me. And of course it didn’t take 50 tries to do it, it was completely candid and done the first time….(I may owe you some chapstick, Kerrie, but Travis sure did enjoy the 50 tries. )

{ahem}

Please check out iHeartfaces for some INCREDIBLE photos!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you seriously wonder what in the world happened to your brain?

I miss that brain sometimes. I had him before I had kids! I was pretty darn smart all those years ago! And then something happened :::COUGH{kids}COUGH::: and he is no longer present or accounted for.

Today was one of those days.

Well, and if I’m honest, yesterday too……

….and probably Sunday…..

…..definitely last Saturday as well……

Anyway, Brooklyn brings me this crown this morning because she didn’t want the babies playing with it, so I’m sitting here trying to read with this crown on my lap, and the babies reaching for it, and without thinking….

….I just put it on.

Not a big deal. One of those absent-minded actions….it’s a CROWN! Put it on. So there it sat.

And I rocked that crown.

Cmon now, you know you want to be me sportin’ this crown. It was sparkly and PINK! Me and the crown? Oh yeah….we were tight! We were all gorgeous, no make-up on, hair done by 2 year olds…..we were SPECTACULAR! We reached full zen. Miss J.* would have LOVED me!

Oh yes, Miss J. would have asked to borrow that sparkly pink crown. After I’m done, J., after I’m done….because right now, I’m….

….totally rockin’ it.

Don’t hate me because of my crown. You’re all jealous and stuff cuz I have one and you don’t. I know. It’s alright.

Til I forgot about it sitting there. And no one said anything. No one eluded to it. “Mom, why is there a crown on your head?” Not a word. I’m a grown 36 28 year old woman with a crown on my head. I’m going about my daily routine with a crown on my head…like it’s normal!

So there it stayed.

Until I realized it was there….

….after the parents came to pick up their kids.

Nice.

*Totally don’t know Miss J. but if I did, I’d share my crown. He’s totally adorable. Don’t hate.

Who would have thought, in our deepest darkest moments, God still loves us enough to send us not only a smile and group hugs, but true, honest belly laughs?

A couple of weeks ago when I got angry and lashed out at God with all of my questions over Mike’s loss of his job and locked myself in the car in the garage to have a nice little screaming match, God had already set things into motion, possibly hours ahead of my need, to rescue me from myself.

Obviously, I was not at my smiling, joking, finest hour and said some things that I am mortified would have come out of my mouth. And still, God loved me enough to send me help.

He sent me 2 of my closest friends and what one of them carried in her hand, I still chuckle at today. They brought Pepsi for me, and Dr Pepper for Mike, and for that, I am ETERNALLY grateful for, but what April had makes me still smile.

It was simple, not expensive at all, and made me stop and stare at it until I realized what it said:

Junk. Yes, that is a cookie cake that says “JUNK”.

Because deep down, it’s just a word that makes me laugh! Yes, I’m juvenile.

And I leaned over right then, and licked it right off of there. Right in front of my 2 closest friends whom God sent to hug me, cry with me, listen to me, and make me laugh.

God does not require me to be PERFECT, He requires me to be in a relationship with Him. I don’t have to be His bright and shining star all the time. And He still loves me.

Thank you Rachel for letting me get that off my chest.

*No names were changed to protect my identity. I am this stupid in real life.

I’ve been absent lately with so much going on here at home (please continue to pray for a new job for my honey), and I’m so thankful to Amy and Angie for not kicking me off of iHeartfaces contributing duties.

Things are still so up-in-the-air, but God has blessed me with EXTRA work these last 3 weeks that have helped tremendously.

And this particular photo was taken during one of those extra-blessing sessions. This young lady was gorgeous all by herself, didn’t have to work too hard, she was just naturally beautiful. But as the session continued and the sun started going down, she lay down in the leaves right in this ray of sunshine that made her already-AMAZING eyes, just positively COME ALIVE! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing in camera! So in editing, I only sharpened the eyes right along with the rest of the photo because nothing further was needed to them. They just GLOWED!

Please, check out iHeartfaces and see the rest of the WONDERFULLY beautiful photos!

We’ve had no news yet on anything, and my sweet, hard-working husband has put in a few more applications. And we wait. Again.

But in this waiting, I’ve almost read my entire Bible! I mean, literally, this time tomorrow, I will be FINISHED with reading the Bible through in a year!

And tomorrow, I promise to actually sit down and write a new post with some special thanks to some special people that are stepping into the gap with me and praying with us, and going out of their way to let me know they care about us. That may be the only thing keeping me together right now.

But for now, enjoy a rerun. I think God handpicked this one out for me to reread and to post again, in case I’ve forgotten.

As a Mom, I am pretty confident I know my kids.

Austin doesn’t care for the dark and doesn’t enjoy being alone, although he does want his alone TIME. He wants his pants to button, not snap, and he is a carnivore. Sweet tea is his drink of choice, American Eagle is the brand he wishes I’d buy more of, and he’s very compassionate toward other people, especially those who are different. He loves sports and is self conscious about his height and weight. And he is secretly shy.

Chandler wants his pants to SNAP and NEVER to button because he’s secretly afraid he’ll pee himself before he gets his pants pulled down. He loves dr pepper, would rather eat fruit than any meat at all, and could sit and watch TV for HOURS and never bat an eye. He is my artistic child although he doesn’t want anyone to know, and I think he is afraid of heights and that is why he won’t sleep on the top bunk. He doesn’t mind sleeping alone in his room, he has an AMAZING sense of humor, and he is the Entertainer where Austin is the protector. He doesn’t have very many fears, if any that I know of.

And then there’s Brooklyn. She loves to dress up, LOVES her “Ladybug Baby” although in a pinch, she’ll use something else, and she loves to tattoo herself with anything she can find. She doesn’t really LIKE getting dirty, but she will if Chandler is there, is terrified of bugs, and dogs scare her. I think she really enjoys being all dolled up with the matching clothes and hairbows and shoes, and she believes that my neighbor, Nick, next door is Santa, and calls out to him everytime she sees him, “SANTA!!!” She’s afraid of loud noises and being in crowds of people. Her family is her comfort.

Now, if God is my heavenly Father….does He know such things about me?

I have to say with an overwhelming certainty that YES, He does! He knows that I’m terribly self conscious about EVERYTHING, I’m afraid of the dark, I LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG for a Chinese baby girl, I’m grouchy a lot because I worry so much, and I sing Yo Gabba Gabba songs randomly throughout my day.

And I LOVE knowing that! I have to say, I love my Mother so very very much and I’m blessed to call her my best friend, but I seriously have to wonder if she KNEW how my brain works, just how grouchy I can be, and my innermost UGLY, would she still love me? I guess the only way I can look at it is from a MOTHER’S SIDE. Would knowing all of that stuff about my own kids effect how I loved them? Nope. It would disappoint me, and I’m sure some of it would hurt my feelings or make me angry, but would it affect how I LOVE them? No….it really wouldn’t. I love them so very much!

And does God really care about the little things that go on in my life?

As a mother, don’t I care about the well-being of my kids? Even down to knowing how their pants close? So I HAVE to believe that God cares just as much about ME! He cares that I secretly hate my job right now. He knows just how upset and disappointed I am over our vacation, and that my fear is we won’t have another opportunity to do another one before the boys grow up. He knows I want to do mission trips SO badly, but I’m afraid of leaving my family and eating gross food.

And my final random thought is……where is God when things don’t go right?

He’s right there. He doesn’t leave me when I’m angry, or my roof is leaking, or someone made me cry. He’s right there! Life was never promised to us to be perfect because there is still sin in the world and because of that, there are always consequences for it. I may not understand all the whys of everything, but He does and I know He’s a good Father. We don’t cause bad things to happen to our kids, but we stay with them and comfort them and help them through it. Even during times of discipline, we are there for our kids to help them and encourage them to keep going.

And in the end, I LOVE Christmas! I love BIRTHDAYS! I love to shower my kids with gifts! I may not have the means to do it as much as I’d like, but I try so hard and I work extra for MONTHS just to find those gifts that make them jump up off the floor, SCREAMING in pure JOY! I LOVE to see their eyes light up and for those few precious minutes, I would do anything, GIVE anything, to have it last longer. Even in the day-to-day, I love to find little ways to make them smile. Brooklyn loves to have her hair done. Chandler loves that special Dr Pepper. Austin loves ice cream. Even just pulling them into my lap and holding them for a second, helps them feel secure. It seals that bond just a little tighter.

And God feels the same way about ME. He LOVES to shower me with those blessings! And it may not be in the form of a BIG VACATION IN ALASKA OR KEY WEST, but it’s in the stolen moments with my handsome husband, sales on the jeans I need for the boys, my fancy CAMERA that on my OWN, I never could have gotten. Turning on the radio and hearing my favorite song, my Mom calling me just at the right time I need her, the little mini-getaways as a family camping or to a little theme-park….these are ways that I know God is there, and He loves me.

And He loves to pull me into His lap and snuggle for a little while to reconnect and seal that bond just a little tighter….

I’m not in much of a talkative mood lately. And nothing really is going on yet.

Mike puts in another application.

Then we wait.

And we wait.

So, I’m just not really in the mood to sit and type out all my innermost struggles.

You’re welcome.

So I’ll repost some previous writings just because I may need the reminder.

Enjoy.

Are you a carrot?

Hard, strong, firm, not easily bendable?

Are you an egg?

Tough exterior,

soft heart inside….

Or are you coffee beans?

strong, good aroma?

But when we add all of these things to the same pot of hot water, they all 3 change.

The carrot, once firm and strong becomes….

weak…..doesn’t stand up anymore…..it’s strength is totally gone.

Or the egg, once having a soft heart, becomes

shattered…..

hard hearted….too tough to be used, cynical, callous…

But, the coffee beans when subjected to the hot water…

becomes

coffee….it changes the water. It is still strong, but it changed the water around it.

We all have those really tough times. It is not unique to anyone, everyone goes through them.

But when we go through that hot water, how do we react to it? Do we lose our strength? Do we grow hard-hearted? Or do we change those around us for the better?

Our faith should be strong enough, that when we go through those really tough times, we are able to change the world around us in a positive way.

With Christ, we can change our world.

Yesterday, the mask came crashing down.

It didn’t go gracefully, or slip just a little, it crashed and broke into a million pieces. And it wasn’t pretty. Oh. It wasn’t pretty.

I am

Afraid.

Like, seriously, afraid. I hate saying that. I hate knowing that I am this good Christian person and yet I am still afraid. I’m afraid Mike won’t find a job in time to save our house. I’m afraid the pantry will go empy because there’s not enough to cover utilities and house and car AND food. I’m desperately afraid that Christmas is coming and my sweet beautiful kids will go without. I am afraid of losing everything we’ve worked so hard to get, and because my husband was laid off, we’ll lose it all. All that work….all that accomplishment….just…gone.

I

am

afraid.

Some things just should not be written…..and maybe this is one of those posts that shouldn’t have been written.

But where is the honesty in that? I’m a good person. I’ve given money to people I’ve never met before on so many occasions. I give snacks to homeless people. I have taken thousands of photos for so many people and never asked for a dime. I’ve just randomly done kind things to all sorts of people more times than I can count. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t have s e x outside of my marriage. I don’t listen to “bad” music. I haven’t cussed in 18 months.

Yes, I did joke quite a few times yesterday about pulling a Dick and Jane* ….and Wednesday…..but it was only a joke, and just to make myself laugh.

But bad stuff happens all the time to good people! And I’m really not all that great……I’m mean sometimes just because people can seriously get on my last nerve…..Grrrrrr.

But the point is, bad stuff isn’t going to NOT come to good, Christian people. And good, Christian people can get angry. We can get scared. And we can scream at God. Sometimes a lot.

And loudly.

And cry. Very.very.uuuuugly crying…..not pretty crying…..like snottin’ all over the place, heaving, scary sobs that makes neighbor dogs bark. (Sorry Hannah. I may owe you a new shirt. heh)

But God isn’t watching from Heaven thinking “Gosh, Dana sure isn’t taking this very well…..I’ll let her sit a little longer….” or “WOW, forget it, Dana’s a mess, I’m not gonna use her after all….Peter, did you see the mess she made on Hannah’s shirt?? Forget it. I’m pulling the plug on her.”

We just studied on Sunday the story of Mary and Martha: Luke 10:38-41

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Brian couldn’t have picked a better lesson for Sunday. One that would stay with me through the week, and was pertinent to our situation.

As a wife and mother, I totally understand Martha’s feelings. And it’s so easy to fall into that with all of the things that we have to worry about.

But my point on Sunday was Jesus reaction to Martha. In my head, when I read what Martha said to Jesus, it is full of attitude, exasperation, and fatigue…..all the same stuff I deal with all the time: I am tired, and I’m sick of working so hard all.the.time. And in my exasperation, I lash out sometimes.

But Jesus reaction was KIND. It wasn’t exasperated over HER exasperation…..it was kind. “My dear Martha…..” He wasn’t angry at her because she expressed her fatigue and frustration. He didn’t yell at her and tell her to back up and count to 10 before she talks to Him again because she better not ever use that tone with Him again….. {ahem}

Like yesterday, I sat in the car in my garage (garage door open, people, I’m not suicidal. LOL It was quiet there with no kids and I could scream and yell and cry without my family calling the men in the white coats for me. ) and I had a good fit with God. I said exactly what I was feeling, exactly how I was feeling them. Stuff better left unsaid here.

And very quietly, I received: “My dear Dana, you are worried and upset over all these details!” And in the rearview mirror, I see a suburban pull up in front of the house and I sat confused as to who would be here at this hour, and OMGosh, I am a MESS! LOL

And up my driveway walks my 2 closest friends.

I sat there dumbly looking in the rearview mirror at them til they had made it to the door and I was in shock. Even in my fit-throwin’, God heard me and had started working on my behalf before I had even walked out to sit in the car.

God had put things in motion before I had even realized I needed help.

So today, I’m reminded that I’m not alone. My prayers are, in fact, being heard loud and clear even before I pray them. And God does not hate me. LOL

And my fear is better today. I have to trust God and not get worked up about the details, I have to stay in the Word, and stay in prayer. And not lose hope.

Just keep praying for us! That’s exactly what we need. God is working and moving all around us, even when I’m stupid. And we’ll see where God is leading us….

*And by “pulling a Dick and Jane”, I meant the reference to the Jim Carey movie: Fun with Dick and Jane, at least, I think that’s the name of it. And it’s just a joke. I promise not to pull off any bank hiests.

EDITED TO ADD: As I was preparing to post this, God provided an entire house payment for December as well. Out of the blue, from an unlikely source. We’ve both been praying for God to show us His Almighty Power…..and He definitely is coming through loud and clear! Thank You, Lord Almighty!