I’m sure I am a total freak…

…but sometimes, I forget these are not my kids.

Let me explain:  when you foster, especially when you foster 3 (or more) children, you get so busy and wrapped up in the day to day schedules, meeting all the needs of everyone, cooking, cleaning, snuggling, reading bed time stories, and kissing little boo-boos, that you totally forget you are fostering.

That’s probably a dangerous thing to say.  But my heart is totally smitten with these children.

It’s only when little reminders come that you remember:

these are not my children.

One reminder came over the weekend when I was trying to fill out hospital information for Little Man’s surgery on Thursday.  They ask all kinds of information about him:  was he pre-/full/post-term at birth, how much did he weigh at birth, has he had any surgeries before, what illnesses has he had, is there any history in the family of problems with anesthesia, etc etc.

I just stared blankly at the screen….I should know these questions.  Why don’t I know these?

…..wait.  Oh yeah….

these are not my children.

It actually brought tears to my eyes.  The one person that would know all of these things is gone.  She gave them up and she has disappeared.  It made me sad for Little Man….and Princess Tiana, and Baby Boy….the person that knows their history, the person that was supposed to love them most….is gone.  They have no mother and that broke my heart.

I don’t know what plans God has in store for us, or for these beautiful babies that are growing on my heart every day.  I have to trust that God is with us every day, and I know that He loves these babies even more than I do.

And who knows…..they may not be my children now…

….but they may be my children later.

Proverbs 31:8,9
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

**Face of Princess Tiana has been blurred out for protection.**

Enjoy!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have to be honest here for a second, totally, blatantly, VERY honest:  I do not like arrogant teenagers.

Yes.  I work with teenagers.

And no, I still do not like arrogant teenagers.  At.All.  Period.

Oh yes, I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about, the ones that KNOW it ALL and don’t mind telling you about it.  Oh and the ones that KNOW IT ALL and make sure you feel really stupid whenever they talk to you.   Somehow, they imagine, that ALL that intelligence YOU gained in school and college, has suddenly flown RIGHT out of your brain.  And that NOTHING in the years that separate us, has given you ANYMORE knowledge….we are all stupid but them.

THOSE teenagers.  UGH!

And today’s lesson is about one those.  Joseph…poor stupid, favored Joseph….only by the grace of GOD did HE live to tell the story!

And this lesson has Stages to it.  Just because it’s MY lesson and I’m putting it in Stages of Joseph’s life. 

The first Stage is:

I don’t know what I don’t know:   This is the phase of ignorance that we all start out on.  Oh yes…..we ALL start there.  No one is exempt from this one.  Hopefully, we move ON from this stage, but sadly, some don’t.  A LOT don’t.

This Stage is where you are completely oblivious to everyone else around you.  You are only aware of yourself:  your needs, your ideas, your opinions, your desires, etc etc.  You are aware of OTHERS around you, but you really couldn’t care less.  It’s all about ME.

(Really a sad Stage.)

Jacob (from last weeks lesson) favored Joseph above his other siblings because Joseph was born to him in his old age.

Again, let me interject a little wisdom here for all of us parents.  We do not have favorites.  Or at least we shouldn’t.  My lovely children-of-the-corn know that MY favorite is whoever is being good at the time.   And I joke with them all the time how Austin is my favorite if he’ll get me a Pepsi from the fridge.  And then Chandler’s my favorite because he fed the dog.   Brooklyn’s my favorite if she got her shoes on first, etc etc.  It is a joke and they all know it.  I hope.  We’ll talk again just in case.  But the point is, I have 2 boys, and then I had my girl.  Everyone KNOWS how much I desired a girl, but that does NOT make her my favorite.  It makes her the one I get to dress up and do stupid girl stuff with.  I did the stupid BOY stuff with the boys too when they were that age, they just don’t remember that stuff.  LOL  Matching clothes and playing dinosaurs and superheroes…naming all the heavy equipment because my Dad drove them, and even learning dumb songs that go with all of them (My name is Stegasaurus…I’m a funny looking dinosaur….oh yes, I do still know all the songs!  LOL).  I love my children differently to a degree, but I love them all the SAME.  I can play dress up with Brooklyn.  I can have a serious conversation on pretty much any subject with Austin.  I can draw and tell jokes with Chandler.  I love them differently, but the same amount.  Make sense?

Well, Jacob, again, grew stupid in his old age and the entire family knew that Joseph was his favorite.

And Joseph didn’t fall far from that stupid tree because he made sure that his entire family KNEW about this dream of his.   Joseph the Dullard either didn’t realize his brothers hated him and this would make them hate him MORE, or, he didn’t care.  Either way….DUH UHHHHHHH!!!  He not only tol d them ONCE, he told them TWICE!

Dream #1:  Gen. 37:6-7  Please hear this dream which I have dreamed!  There we were binding sheaves in the field.  Then behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright;  and indeed YOUR sheaves stood all around and bowed down to MY sheaf!

I love the brothers repy:  Shall you indeed reign over us?  Or shall you indeed have dominion over us?  So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.

That’s the part I want to point out:  they already didn’t like Joseph with the fancy coat, but Joseph made sure they KNEW he was the favored one.  He rubbed it in their faces.

Please, let’s watch our words.  They are powerful.

Stage #1:  Ignorance.

Stage 2:  I know what I don’t know:  Through life changing events in Joseph’s life, he quickly opens his eyes to the world around him.  WOW!  There’s PEOPLE out there and they REALLY don’t like me!  Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut!  (Dana’s interpretation   )

Joseph went through hell in a sort:  escaped a plot to kill him by being sold into slavery.  But through all of this, the Bible tells us that God was with Joseph.  These were really hard times for Joseph.  He lost his family, everything he ever knew, and was thrown into a role of servanthood instead of being served as he was no doubt used to.  But through all of the things he went through, God was with him and was molding his character into someone God wanted to use.  Which leads us to….

Stage #3:  I know and grow.   This is the stage I hope everyone eventually gets to.  This is the stage where all the things you have learned not only mentally, but emotionally and spiritually begin to GROW and people notice the change in you.  I don’t just have the MENTAL knowledge, I have the experience with God to show as well, and it is evident to the people around me.  MATURITY in your faith.  Awwwww….is this making sense now?

I think I may have FINALLY reached this stage in my life.  I thought I had before….but God was not done perfecting me and I’ve learned a lot.  I am by no means DONE learning….oh not even CLOSE, but I’ve reached that stage where the evidence of the maturity is there.  Or at least, glimpses of it between the STUPID things I still say and do.  I’m still not perfect.   And I am a big enough girl to know this.

BUT, my effort into knowing and learning about God is there with a closer relationship with God.

Joseph showed evidence of his maturity and because of it was promoted to second in command of what was, the most powerful nation on earth!  His experiences he had, he allowed to MOLD his character into a Godly man!

I cannot TELL you how many people I know that have hit hard times, hit bad times, and instead of learning and GROWING and maturing from them, they allow them to hold them back.  In a sort of mental and emotional cage, if you will.  Too afraid and bitter to allow God to help them, they just hunker down and wait for it all to be over.   Oh I know I have done the same thing in my life, so NO judgement from me!  But, being older and wiser, I can recognize it for what it was:  hiding and not growing.  Not seeking God’s counsel and wisdom and comfort and LOVE to help me out of my cage!  Nope, I just sit there in the fetal position in the cage, sucking my thumb.  I’ll just wait it out.

But in THIS stage, we recognize WHO God is and who I am in Christ, and THAT grows us!  This is an EXCITING stage!  Probably one I’m still sitting in, but again, I’m not perfect and I know this.  But this next stage is what keeps me GOING and GROWING!

Stage #4:  Doing what God called us to do.  Joseph by this point is a VERY powerful man!  And he is doing exactly what God called him to do!  He has essentially helped an entire nation during the worst famine they have ever known by listening and OBEYING God!  Through those dreams God gave him, and the experiences that he had in his life, he had the maturity to KNOW what he needed to do:  and that was flat LISTEN and do what God told him to do.

Oh yes…..and those naughty brothers that sold him into slavery and hated him…..(and this is probably how I know I am still not here yet, part of me would have wanted to REALLY make them squirm!  LOL) Joseph had EVERY opportunity and authority to do his brothers REAL harm, and yet, he CHOSE not to!

Genesis 50:19 says:  Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God?  But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…..and he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

Joseph fully realized that God was always with him, and used all those horrible experiences to grow him and mature him and because of his maturity in Christ, was able to forgive those that hurt him.  And he spoke kindly to them.

I have to be honest here and say there are a few people that have hurt me along the way that I am not sure I would be able to speak kindly to.  I’d love to think I could, but if I was honest, it would only be by the GRACE OF GOD that I didn’t spit in their face.  Yes, that’s harsh and gross, but I would be a big fat liar if I didn’t speak the truth.

But, I am also aware of areas that I have grown and matured, and when confronted on the occassion of having to be in the same place with people that have hurt me…..well, I faired pretty well.  I sure didn’t LIKE being with them, I didn’t do anyone any physical harm, and there was no spit flying out of my mouth.  I was able to smile and give the kind word and then quickly move on before something happened that made me rethink my firm hold on Christ….   And it was ONLY by the grace of God Almighty that helped me to do that.

Wow….maybe I’m moving up to the 4th Stage by DEGREES.  A little toe here….maybe a whole ARM there…..maybe eventually my entire body will be there…..maybe….if I keep working on myself….

Our goal is not to STAY in the Ignorant Stage.  We are to move PAST that.  Our GOAL should be:  making it all the way up to where God is able to USE US.  And that is where I’m at:  I WANT God to use me!  I WANT to go to Cambodia and China and Mexico or WHEREVER and work with the orphans!  I honestly wouldn’t mind going and STAYING.   Mike isn’t there yet though…..we’re working on him. LOL

But I WANT God to use me no matter where I’m at.   I want to please Him and be the person He wants me to be.   That’s my goal….and I’m getting there….slowly….but I’m getting there.

Homework.  It’s my blog and I can give homework!  LOL  I want you to take an HONEST look at yourself and ask God to show you what Stage you are at.  Are you still ignorant of the people around you…skating through life.  Are you in the midst of the hard times where you are finding out there is something more out there and God is molding you?  (Part of me is STILL here! LOL)  Are you growing?  People noticing the Christ in you?  Or are you fully where God is able to use you beautifully?  What a wonderful place to be!

We want to be where we can see things through GOD’S eyes and GOD’s perspective, and not our own.   Crisis doesn’t necessarily make character, but it DOES definitely reveal it:  good or bad.  We need to be able to grow GODLY character and in times of adversity, it will show.

Oh yes….I can hear it now:  Dana….your CHARACTER is showing!

Here are my nuggets of gold:

God doesn’t ask us to do the impossible. He only asks us to look to Him. HE does the impossible! This way HE gets all the glory that only HE deserves! “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

God never asks us to take a “leap of faith”. He doesn’t tell us to run or skip by faith. Only that we walk by faith. Walking is done by taking one step at a time. And in His mercy, He gives us the grace & strength to take one step after another and endurance to go all the way!

And then of course, through the 2 that commented yesterday.

God is good!

I’m doing a lot of this lately.

-Every time I have to step over piles of dirty laundry in my hallway, or sit and try to sort clean clothes out of Mt. Laundry in the overcrowded laundry room.  This laundry room was NOT made for 8 people.  It is constantly over run with clothes and towels.  It’s driving me crazy!  I’ve actually drawn out plans for my fantasy laundry room.  I’m a sad, sad lady.

-Every time I tuck the Littles into their beds and realize Princess Tiana is growing super fast, and even though she’s only 4, she’s the same size as my 6 year old and probably getting too big to be sleeping in a toddler bed.  Lord, I need some good, sturdy girly bunk beds. 

-Every time we all pile into the car to go anywhere….and I’m painfully reminded seeing my 13 year old son squish into the back of the 7 passenger vehicle that is holding 8.  He sits in roughly 8 inches of seat with no seat belt between 2 car seats.  And I feel horrible. 

-Every time I try to figure out how to use the master bedroom downstairs as an actual bedroom to add another bedroom into our mix, and then remember we can’t because the air conditioner is broken downstairs.  100+ temps in the summer make for miserable sleeping conditions. 

-Every time I see the pantry getting barer and barer.  They are eating a lot healthier for sure, and they are thriving, but oh the dreams of having a FULL fridge and pantry!

Oh the dreams!

Some days I just get overwhelmed with all the things I wish I could change or fix, and I feel guilty.  I know God called us to do this, but 3?  Lord, are You sure 3?  I’m trying not to doubt, but when I look at the reality….I get overwhelmed.  Lord, are You sure we can do this? 

That’s the reality of it.  Some days I’m really scared and I worry myself into a stress headache.  Can we make this work?  Is this possible long term?  I know everyone expects me to have all my stuff together, but this is real.  People don’t normally take 3 orphaned children into their home….2 with health problems.  We’re just a normal, hard-working family, no rich relatives to help out, or the Alice to come everyday to help me cook and clean, or a handy man husband to build or fix everything that needs built or fixed.  It’s just us.

And some days I get scared. 

I wish I didn’t, but I do.  I doubt myself all the time.  And some days I hope desperately to hear from God on how to accomplish this ever-growing wish list….and He’s silent.   Or the noise from 6 children is drowning Him out.  Maybe I’m not praying the right things.

And some days I feel alone.

Is that possible in a house full of people?  How is it possible to feel alone when I’m constantly surrounded by people?  Maybe I have officially lost my mind. 

So I don’t know……here is this painfully honest post that I am scared some days.  I am worried that we can’t do this, maybe God thought too much of us.  They are so loved and taken care of….they never miss a meal or a doctor’s appointment……they never miss bed time stories piled all together on Brooklyn’s bed……or a snuggle time on the couch (yes, some days with all 4 of the Littles)….and they never miss hugs and kisses and laughing over 4- and 6- year old silliness……but the reality of having 6 children when the needs seem so great, overwhelms me sometimes.   Am I being fair to them?  Am I giving them enough?

Maybe I need to stop dreaming.

Yesterday, Princess Tiana wanted to wear her tiara to church.  She looked at me with a look that showed the defeat she was accustomed to before she came to our house…

….and yet the hope that living with us has produced.

Of course I said yes.  How could I refuse?  So I combed and fixed her hair (as only a white mom of a mixed girl can) and set her tiara proudly on head. 

I know most people would think I’m crazy for allowing such things in public (I got the odd looks for allowing Austin to wear his Superman cape or cowboy attire everywhere.  And again with Chandler when he wanted to be Bibleman wherever we went), but I see nothing wrong with it.  They are children for such a short amount of time, and trust me, my 16 year old doesn’t wear his Superman cape OR his cowboy stuff at all anymore.

But camo….well….that’s an entirely different matter:

LOL 

I just believe that we need to encourage them whenever we can. 

And one of the Christmas presents the girls got was a nail art kit.  So of course I had to paint the girls fingernails.  And, of course, they wanted to match each other. 

They are simply precious.  I am blessed.  (Some call it crazy….but I’ll just pretend it’s simple blessings.)

Encourage one another, and always be kind!

Instead…

I get a Baby Boy that has peed through his diaper onto my sheets which only reminds me that now I have to wash my only set of sheets and have them dried and put back onto the bed before we go to bed.

I wake up to Brooklyn jumping into the bed with us declaring Princess Tiana wet the bed too and she needs a towel.  “And my nose is bleeding.” Another set of sheets to wash and dry today….along with some favorite pajamas to treat to remove the blood stain…and wash so she can wear them to bed again tonight because they are her favorites.

And Little Man….Little Man who still isn’t feeling well, and went to bed with yet another fever last night.  Who fell asleep on the couch, so Mike just carried him up to bed without any of his lotions….or a diaper.

Another set of sheets to wash….and pajamas.

And, then there’s Mike….“If the eggs expired Dec 27th…are they still good enough to use?”  Ummm.  No.  “What about the 29th?  We have some in the back that expire the 29th….are those still good?”  Again.  No.  “OK, but would we DIE if we ate them?”

Good gravy.  Wait….sausage gravy sounds good over warm fluffy biscuits….

We gain 3 children, lose partial income, and gain a LOT of room in our freezer….fridge…..AND pantry.  So not fair.  It’s sad that my biggest dream is to have a FULLY stocked kitchen.  I’d love to go on vacation again…would love to swim with the dolphins…would love to see my friends, Rachel and Bob, in Washington again (this time for at least a WEEK instead of 24 hours!)…would love to go to Atlanta again…

But for now, my dreams consist of….

“Little Man threw up all in his bed….”

For now, my dreams consist of a kitchen full of food.  Nice, good, healthy food, preferably that cooks itself, a laundry room big enough to hold the insurmountable loads of laundry I do every day for 8 people, and the ability to pee by myself.

Or Alice from the Brady Bunch.  Please, can I have an Alice?

Ya know, just the little things.

But I have to say…having Baby Boy pee out of his diaper means he has to have a bath.  Little brown, nakie body splashing in the tub = a great time at my house!  Little Man getting sick in his bed = a nice clean bed for him and finding all of his stuffed animals that have wandered to places unknown.

It’s good to have dreams (and a payday tomorrow LOL)…but living in reality is pretty good too.

For some reason, I’m having a hard time journaling this experience….could be the fact that I have 6 kids….and 4 extras during the day…..and I haven’t got the time to sit and write.

I just have to sit and write some days.  I am not a wise or wonderful person…some days I swear I’m just getting by.

Some days….my goal for the day is keep everyone alive.

So far so good.

So, yet again, the blog will change.  And some posts will be raw and brutally honest.  Maybe hard to read, they will be hard to write.  I don’t want judgment, I just need to say some things.  So, if you are here without a pure heart, just to get juicy gossip, or to criticize me….save it.  (And read your Bible.    I’m just sayin’.) 

I am not a perfect person and I do not have all the answers.  I’m just trying to be obedient to a calling God gave our family.  I flounder and I fail, but I’m trying.

So, on that note….and with that warning….here’s what’s been going on:

Christmas was FANTASTIC!  I prayed that God would make this Christmas one these children would ALWAYS remember, and He did!  We ended up having 3 churches (obviously 1 we attend, but 2 of them we don’t!) and 1 major company “adopt” our family for Christmas!  We were BLOWN away!  Every dream present the kids could imagine, they got!  Every NEED they had was supplied!  I CRIED with joy! 

You have NO idea how much I wish I could post more, but alas, I am unable to show the foster children.   Real bummer because this was their FIRST Christmas and I have a TON of beautiful photos of them!  So, instead, here is Chandler seeing his new bass guitar for the first time….and my AMAZING Mother-in-law baking cookies with the Littles on Christmas Eve.   She is a very special lady, and she has chosen to stay and walk this road with us.  I couldn’t be more grateful!  They need grandparents and to learn that God didn’t design grandparents to leave.  They’ve already experienced enough of that already.  So to have Mike’s Mom take an active role as a Grandparent has been heaven-sent!

We spent Christmas Day pretty quiet…..I have so many things to say about that, but I think I’ll hold my tongue.  It was just a different-sort of Christmas for us.  But, yet again, God sent some beautiful friends to invite us over that night to hang out with and play games altogether as family!  We had a lot of fun!  In the end, God knows what He is doing….and we will just follow. 

School is back in session, and my 3 oldest are back in school again.  I’m such a lover of ROUTINE and SCHEDULES, so I feel like things are back to normal. 

Changes are on the horizon this year, and it’s exciting and scary all at the same time.  But, like I’ve said before, God knows what He is doing….and we will just follow. 

Thank you to all those that have chosen to stay and travel this fostering road with us.  I wish I could say it of everyone, but I can’t.  Some have chosen not to walk it with us.  But, God is on His throne, and we choose to listen and obey Him.   I don’t know….there are so many things I’d like to say, but it’s probably safer that I don’t.  We are blessed.

We are blessed. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Suggs Family! 

And to explain the photo….I had a friend of mine from high school make each of us a personalized pillow case with our names on it.  When I asked them to each hold theirs up so I could take a picture….THIS is what I found.   That’s how the Suggs’ roll, baby. 

Turned out to be a safe photo for me to post….no faces.  LOL  (Photo is missing me, of course, and Baby Boy)

Always, be kind to others and follow God!

Why is it we always strive to?  What is it about that popular crowd…the Insiders…that makes them In?

I’ll admit, I’ve always wanted to be In.   I longed for the popular clothes that everyone else was wearing, the money that everyone else seemed to have, and the looks. 

Have you ever really taken a look at the Insiders?  No fat chicks in there.  Nope, not one.  Not even one funny, fat sidekick.   Their loss….because frankly, I’m pretty funny.

And, the strangest thing, I thought once I was out of school, the In crowds would disappear!  So, imagine my surprise when I discovered them in the workplace, in families, and even in churches!  For one reason or another, I again, found myself on the outside….one of the perpetual Outsiders.  I didn’t go to the same high school or college as everyone else, I wasn’t rich (always a popular theme), I didn’t dress my kids in popular clothes (probably what fed my Gymboree addiction with Brooklyn), and, big shocker, I was still the fat chick. 

I hurt for my kids when I see them striving for that In crowd too, or when they are teased for being an Outsider. 

I was doing some praying in the shower this morning (don’t hate….it’s the ONLY peace I seem to get these days), for various things and various people, and it dawned on me:  the people I always seem to strive to be In with….really aren’t even nice people.  They are actually pretty selfish people.  They make me feel bad about myself.  I’ve been striving for the wrong thing and  fellowship with wrong people!

I have been in my own In crowd for years and I didn’t even realize it!  It isn’t a popular In crowd, and membership does not require a copy of your income taxes, a scale or mirror, or expensive clothes.  It does require you to think of others above yourself though.  That’s a tall order for most people.  Acts like cleaning a church for free, and anonymously for 9 months, or giving to the homeless when your husband is unemployed, or adopting a family for Christmas, giving groceries to a family in need, or traveling to scary places in the world to share the gospel and teach and train pastors…..these are some of the acts that my In crowd does!

The In crowd was originally called the Disciples and most died for their faith, others unjoined because it was too much for them.  But, they all followed Christ in one way or another.  They learned at His feet and all tried to be like Him. 

My In crowd doesn’t worry about who wore what, or who weighs what….they think more along the lines of, what can I do for someone else?  How can I share the love of Christ with someone else?

It isn’t a popular group, but it’s a group with people like me in it. 

Finally…….I’ve found where I belong.

And I am satisfied with that.

What if I mess it up?

What if I fail?

What if they don’t like me?

Ick.  I know.

I had this little dream of dressing all of the Littles (my affectionate name for the 4 little ones, 5 and under) alike for the holidays (yes, it’s crazy….I know), and because I can no longer afford Gymboree (SOB SOB) with 4 Littles, I thought I’d make them.

So, yesterday, I made this little jaunt to Walmart (to pick up formula, again, and paper plates because at this point I don’t care about the planet), and I found little white long sleeved shirts for all 4 of the Littles.  (I was so excited.  I may have squealed once or twice.  OK, technically 4….one for each shirt.  Don’t judge.) I have this little idea to sew little matching ties onto the little boy shirts and sewing little Christmas trees in matching fabric onto the girls shirts.

I was checking out and the cashier asked if I was making shirts, so I told her my little dream of having all 4 of the little ones match….and then she asked about the kids…to which I had to tell the whole story…

…”we’re foster parents….blah blah blah…..”

Then this random lady behind me touched my arm and thanked me.

My first thought was “for what?”  I haven’t done anything.  LOL  I don’t pull anyone out of burning buildings, I don’t catch bad guys, why would you thank me?

But her words were so touching.  “You take the children that most people wouldn’t want.”  <THUD>  How can anyone not want children?  But I see her point.  I know her point.  People call them “throw-aways” or “the lost children” or “the broken ones” or as I’ve been told, I collect and love “the ugly”.

Yes, it is hard, and some days I just feel like I’m totally failing or I look around at everything that has to be done (or bought, UGH) and I feel stressed and overwhelmed.

But she thanked me.  That’s made me very introspective.  I am worthy.  God sees me as worthy and wonderful, even on my yucky days when my hair isn’t done but thrown into the ugly black clip, and my face isn’t painted on, or I haven’t shaved in 2 weeks …I mean days.  Who wouldn’t shave their legs for 2 weeks and then wear pants to church so no one knows??  Not me.  Pssshhhh…..ahem.

God called us to do a most remarkable work, and He will equip us in knowledge and patience and finances to do as He called us to do.  So, I will walk worthy….and I will bear the fruit of my labors for Him.

Colossians 1:10, “Walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

I’ve heard all of the horror stories from “well-meaning” foster parents on the woes of doing this job, and yes, I believe some are well founded, we are dealing with broken children.  However, some, I just suspect may have been doing this job for the wrong reasons.  And when you do this for the wrong reasons, you will fail.

But, it isn’t always going to be rainbows and unicorns.  Most of the foster parents I know that has helped me, did this with infants.  I have a child, so it’s very different.  I have an entirely new can of worms here.  I do have an infant….and a toddler….and a child, all at the same time.

But children come with different issues.  “B” knows she has lost everything.  She knows the bitter feelings of what she had, and losing it.  And she has that God-given bond with her mother.  It’s normal and natural, and how God designed it.  And she knows the loss of her.  That’s rough.  That’s hard for a 4 year old child to come to terms with.  This is not how God designed it, so it’s unnatural and not normal and she has to try to make sense of it somehow in her 4 year old mind.

So some days are rough.  Some days we have a lot of reverting back to infant behavior:  lots of baby talk, lots of baby behavior, and yes, even baby actions.  Some days we have a lot of tears or a lot of fighting or a lot of just plain grumpiness.  And because she has never had anyone to love her enough to discipline her, when she is corrected, it results in fit throwing or uncontrollable sobbing. 

The newness of everything is wearing off and she’s realizing she isn’t going back.  This isn’t a fun vacation but a new normal.  Some days she loves it….and some days she doesn’t.  It’s a lot of new experiences for her and it’s a lot of retraining.  So some days she loves me….and some days she doesn’t.

And that’s alright.

I’m praying for God to bring that bonding to us.  She has that natural bond with her natural birth mom, but eventually, I’d love it if she bonded with me as well.

And I’m patient, I’ll wait.  And in the meantime, I’ll use trickery and bribery in the form of cooking together (she LOVES to cook and she’d never done it before!) and painting fingers and toes, and little shopping trips for new boots on sale.  I’ll just use my evil charm to tickle her into submission at night when I tuck her in.  Or fun snuggles when we read her Bible together.    It’ll come.  In time.

I’ll just wait.  And pray.

And I know it’s not always rainbows and unicorns, no matter how much I wish it was.  But, it’ll be alright.  The Holy Spirit gives us wisdom and direction every time we need it.  And lots and lots of patience.