With the holidays (the Fourth and birthdays coming and going), I’m finding it hard to write.   So today will just be random thoughts.  Some I need to do, some I need to come back and ponder on.

First and foremost…those boys have GOT to have separate beds!  OH MY!  I cannot take another night of senseless arguing over who sleeps on the top, who sleeps next to the wall, because in all actuality, BOTH are too scared to sleep on the top ALONE!  So then, nights like LAST night come and they FIGHT over having to sleep TOGETHER on the bottom bunk!  I am seriously so done with it.  So instead of going straight to sleep, my mind stayed awake rearranging their room, trying to fit twin beds in it, and where am I going to GET these phantom twin beds that my mind won’t stop rearranging in my HEAD!  So this morning, I’m most zombie-like.  I’d like the beds from Home Improvement that their boys had!  LOL  But I know no one who can build them.  I’d like LOFT beds to give them more room, but again….and I can’t afford them.  So I’m probably stuck with just rails and mattresses.  In my HEAD, the boys would be very lucky, but according to my wallet, they are not.  LOL  And I suppose that’s what they get for fighting and dragging me out of my cool shower last night to find out what in the world was going on in there….MUST HAVE SEPARATE BEDS!

I’ve come to the decision, I need a passport. 

And I did my reading last Thursday, and I can’t seem to get one central point out of my head:  could I give up my “stuff”?  I was reading last week in Matthew where the rich man asked Jesus if he could follow Him, and Jesus replied to sell all of your “stuff” and follow Me.  And the paragraph ended with “and he walked away sad…”.  Now in some of my reading, I read it.  Absorb it, but it’s gone quickly.  And then there are some passages that stick with me.  This is one of those “stickers”.   I can’t forget this passage and it was a SHORT passage!  Not even a full chapter, but for some reason, it has stuck with me literally for DAYS! 

Could I give up all of my “stuff”? 

Now, my first thought is SURE!  But then you come down to items like my HOUSE that I love dearly even with a badly leaking roof, and I’m not so sure anymore.  If God suddenly called us to sell all of our “STUFF” and move to wherever, could I do it?  Could I give up my comforts of a nice soft bed, air-conditioning (!!!), clean showers, PEPSI, my WONDERFUL TRAILBLAZER….to go and live somewhere else?  It was easy in the beginning just thinking of giving up little stuff, but the big stuff, I just don’t know about.  And part of me thinks that maybe God is preparing me for it.  Oh I am not saying that God is for sure calling us to move to Madagascar or anything, but the idea is THERE.  What if?  Could I do it?  Could I even DOWNSIZE my life and do without a lot of things just so I could simply GO on mission trips?  It’s a nagging thought….could I do it?  Probably.  We’ve done without a lot.  But on the other hand…we’ve done without so much, I like having “stuff” now.  LOL  And I’ve passed the BIG one…at least for ME:  yes, I could give up buying Gymboree for Brooklyn if it meant doing something bigger.  I could do it.  And that is a major step for me.  LOL  Yes, I said it!  HAAAAAAA!!  I could give up my Gymboree obsession.  LOL

And my last thought is, am I doing the right thing?  I guess because I’ve HAD that person (or in my case, *2* people) that has told me that God wouldn’t use me, I’m not usable, etc, now I’m second guessing everything I do.  Working with Youth can be very difficult sometimes, just in knowing what to do and say when they need help.  Even if I *DO* give Godly-counsel, it can always be miss-quoted or simply lied about, as I learned in the past.  So I guess now I’m stuck with knowing I GAVE the Godly-counsel, but it more than likely won’t be heeded.  And do you pursue it, or leave it alone?  Right now, I’m thinking, leave it alone.  Advice was given, Godly-wisdom was shown, I can’t make them do the right thing.  Right?  LOL

There are other things rolling around up there in my head, but this morning, they just don’t want to come out.  So for now, lucky for you, they will stay locked up in there and continue to roll around until they are ready to make their appearance.  If they do at all.  Lots of stuff gets lost up there.  This is the mystery of me.