What do you get when you have 3 babies ALL 18 months and YOUNGER….add in a 2 year old, and 2 3 year olds….and a 5 month old puppy?
One crazy woman.
I think most people are genuinely afraid of me. I make random outbursts….usually some kid song. If I hear a phone ring, out pops “The phone! The phone is RINGING! The PHONE! I’ll be right there!” Most normal people do not do this. And really…at any given time “Naaaaaaaaap time….Naaaaaaaaaap time….time for sleep” will come randomly out of my mouth for no apparent reason. And God-forbid if you say one of those words that triggers a song: backpack, map, hold still, wiggle, or doodle bop. The last one is not one anyone else usually mentions in polite company, but ya never know. I hang around freaks.
Sometimes I pray to the Calgon gods to please save me, but no one ever shows up. And if by some chance, one does show, I can never go alone. There’s always a sweet-faced 2 year old daughter that pokes her head and that is your warning. The second she sees that there is a BATH and BUBBLES, she is instantly naked and jumping in. Seriously, it’s that fast. Scary really… That is followed by a knock on the door (if I’m LUCKY) and usually a barrage of questions is aimed at me: “What’s for dinner?” (Dinner?? We JUST ate!) “I’ve got to have this paper signed!” (Does it HAVE to be right now or can it wait til I’m actually DRY and have some clothes on?) “Where’s my other shoe?” (Here…let me help you find it….==splashing around in the tub followed by=== NOPE! Not in HERE! ) And my favorite: “MOM….::::insert name of the other brother here:::: won’t stop ::::name any offense here:::::!!” again, my other favorite part: (Here are your ONLY choices: A.) you 2 take care the problem yourselves with no blood and no breaking things, or B.) I stand up out of this tub BUCK NEKKID and go out there and handle it for you. You will BOTH be instantly BLIND and suffer severe brain damage MY way. Your choice.)
And of course…the occasional visitors in my tub via telephone. Door opens, insert kid handing me said phone. “Hello and WELCOME to my bathtub experience, close your eyes and I hope you have your raincoat on.” I’ve had many many conversations in the tub (…cough cough….AND shower) with my Momma. Probably the quietest convos we’ve ever had really….we should schedule Tub Time Mom….call around 9:30….the kids will be asleep….
My day begins at 5:45…yes, AM, before God Himself is awake I think….and the first little one comes at 6. If I’m lucky. She’s early. A lot. Many times I’ll stumble out the door at 5:50 to see she’s already sitting in my driveway. Lord, help me. This little girl is the honey…gorgeous beyond words…but does NOT like her picture taken:
See? Told ya….
But it does not keep me from practicing on her.
About 7:30-8, the other 4 roll in, all by the same lady. This is usually when the insanity begins. I feed them, and educate them, and then pray they will ALL be gone by 5 when I have 35 minutes to feed my own Children of the Corn before Egg #1 must leave for football.
Let me just say….ONE of the parents has been consistantly late ALL week cutting my 35 min into 15. This does not make Dana happy. This makes Dana very grumpy. Do not make Dana grumpy, you will not LIKE Dana when she is grumpy. Let that be your warning.
I had one of the dad’s ask me Monday….very innocently: “Do you need anything?” Here…let me make you a LIST:
New roof. It’s currently raining INTO my living room as I type this. Yes, I’m serious.
My kitchen painted. Remember my sudden urge to rip down my wallpaper? Well….yeah, it’s still not done. Heh. Giddy-up.
My carpets cleaned or preferrably ripped out and beautiful hardwoods put in. Oh wait…but my ROOF leaks….
A better job that pays well but with limited insanity.
A vacation on a beautiful QUIET island with someone else paying for it?
I mean really here, be more specific, that’s kind of vague.
“Oh….well…..I just meant snack stuff.”
Oh if only I were a drinkin’ woman….Pepsi will just have to numb it I guess.
This is my life! And somehow I CHOSE this! Someone please smack me. Hard. Right here. And that’s not even all of it…..throw in a custom outfit design business on the side to come up with Christmas money, and a wanna-be-photography business on the side….and you have a little tiny glimpse into my days.
I like sleep. Sleepings my FAVORITE.
I snuck to bed early before Mike or Brooklyn could find me, and I lay reading Mark. And because I forgot to keep my place, I ended up re-reading Mark 9, which is good anyway, so I just read it again. But 2 things I seriously chuckled at. And this may be a little sacriligious, and if it is, I am truly deeply sorry….
After six days Jesus took Peter, James and John with him and led them up a high mountain, where they were all alone. There he was transfigured before them. His clothes became dazzling white, whiter than anyone in the world could bleach them.
And my first thought was “WOW!!! What did they USE??” I’m the lover of Gymboree…I NEED to know my stain removers!
14-16When they came back down the mountain to the other disciples, they saw a huge crowd around them, and the religion scholars cross-examining them. As soon as the people in the crowd saw Jesus, admiring excitement stirred them. They ran and greeted him. He asked, “What’s going on? What’s all the commotion?”
17-18A man out of the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought my mute son, made speechless by a demon, to you. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff as a board. I told your disciples, hoping they could deliver him, but they couldn’t.”
19-20Jesus said, “What a generation! No sense of God! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here.” They brought him. When the demon saw Jesus, it threw the boy into a seizure, causing him to writhe on the ground and foam at the mouth.
OK….I believe I have said the SAME EXACT things as a Mom!! So, if you have never memorized a scripture, I’m sure most moms out there, have THAT part of one memorized.
And it just struck me, that while I was hiding from my children, relaxing, and reading my most FAVORED book ever, I was still able to get a little humor infused in my chaotic life. If I don’t laugh, I’ll go insane. Hence the name:
from chaos to Grace…
chaos is where everything is around me and Grace keeps me from chopping heads off.
That was a joke.
Go have a FUN Wednesday. Ya know…eat in some blue goggles or something…