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I knew it was coming.

I didn’t know WHEN, but I knew it was gonna come.

And this is where the rubber meets the road.

When the faith is tested.

This is where I stand on my faith in Christ and trust Him.

Or yell at the lady on the phone “THEY GLUED HER FOREHEAD!” Or “You suck” at the post office. Or the abhorent crying of “I have NO idea how I’m going to pay that…” to the stranger on the phone.

Yeah, guess what I did.

{sigh} I’m a failure.

I just want my EASY button. Can I have it now? Please? I promise not to abuse it and use it to get out of dinner. Every night. I promise I’ll be really good with it!

And when the good times are here, it’s so easy to trust God and have all the faith and say all the right things and DO all the right things….

But then:

….irritation over getting the passport and having to run clear across town only to find out “they are short staffed today, you can try downtown, but they close at 4:30” and then you have to rush clear across to the OTHER side of town and go DOWNTOWN to get it.

….the bills are starting to come in from the surgery. And they are not pretty.

….the bill you FOOLISHLY thought was taken care of….and now you owe $477 to the ER. Within 60 days. WHAT? THEY GLUED HER HEAD! That’s IT! $477 to GLUE HER HEAD….less than 30 min in and out.

….Mission trip. Still have to somehow find this money…

….child I was supposed to have over the summer like the mom said…they’ve decided to keep him home so they don’t have to pay me.

….and the forever begging of “Mom, I still need a new phone. This one isn’t working.” At least I don’t pay THAT bill, but I can’t seem to find him a RELIABLE, inexpensive AT&T phone.

Yes, that last one was dumb, but ya know, it’s just ONE more thing thrown on my plate today.

So, Bible study I was doing when I received the phone call from the nice lady about our ER bill….still lies on the kitchen table. Unfinished.

Bible reading for today still lies open. Partially unread.

I’m terrible. When push comes to shove, I fall! When my strong faith is tested, I’m found WEAK! And untrusting. Again.

I’m in the Word. I pray all the time. I’m taking an INCREDIBLE Bible study. I’m doing all the right things. And I’m still not perfect.

Oh, no, you didn’t see me accuse God. You won’t see me blaming Him either.

See, I KNEW these times were coming BECAUSE of what I’m doing. That’s the irony. And I thought because I’m doing all the right things, I wouldn’t fail this time. I’d be able to stand FIRM and STRONG.

And I still probably will. But for today…for this time….I yell. And scream. And cried. A lot.

In fact, this time tomorrow I’m going to regret writing this. I’ll wish I hadn’t posted it. I’ll wish I hadn’t been so open and honest with my failings. I have people in real life that read this. I have family that read this. I have people that might actually look up to me, who read this.

So tomorrow I’ll regret it.

But right now, it just makes me feel better to type blindly and let my mind just take over. Let it all out. Get rid of it.

And Lord knows, I’ve already taken it to Him.

I know what the “groanings” are that cannot be uttered….Holy Spirit knows it too. And had to translate it today to the Father.

I’m just so used to keeping a death grip on all my problems, that they are hard to let go of.

But….now that I’m thinking of it….I did take it straight to Him.

Wait. Hold up.

Could I possibly have LEARNED something?

I took it to the Father instead of squeezing it tightly in my hands and not letting go of it. I prayed in words, outloud to the Almighty God that this was too much. I told Him I have NO IDEA what to do. I gave it to Him almost immediately.

So, maybe I am not such a failure after all. Maybe I have learned a little bit.

Do I trust Him? Yes.

Am I going to worry? OK….probably….but I think it’ll be alright.

Is my faith weak? Not at all. Are my MOMENTS weak at times? Sure, with my human eyes, things can look not so great. But my faith is unwavering.

Will money miraculously fall from the sky? Probably not. But will all of this stuff get handled? Probably. Do I know how? Not a clue. This is a God-sized problem.

And I’ve already given it to Him.

You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,O God our savior.You are the hope of everyone on earth,even those who sail on distant seas.

Praise the Lord!Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!His faithful love endures forever.

Those who are wise will take all this to heart;they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.

I have chosen to be faithful;I have determined to live by your regulations

The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

So, I just trust afterall. It took some crying to get there, but I trusted after all. If I didn’t trust, I wouldn’t have prayed in earnest today over it.

And He is faithful.

Amen.

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