I’m gonna be transparent for a minute…

….totally and completely open and honest because I don’t know what else to do.

I’m confused and frankly feel pretty dumb, and of course, I have to write about it. LOL

After last week’s incredible MOUNTAINTOP experience, I’ve had a rough coming home. God hasn’t changed, and really, I haven’t changed, it’s just been rough.

My friend’s 14 year old passed away very unexpectedly over the weekend, and that’s been difficult to accept. I know where he went, and I’m at peace with it, but as a Mom, it’s hard to swallow.

And then, reality just hit me hard over the weekend: how am I going to pay for Mexico?

Faithweek was difficult enough, losing a weeks’ wages (remember, I’m self employed, I have no vacation days or sick days) and factor in the cost of the cabin stuff, gifts for the girls, party stuff, cleaning supplies, etc….well, it wasn’t easy. God definitely provided for me to be able to do that, and provided a scholarship for Austin to go, but how in the world am I going to lose 2 weeks worth of wages in a months time for a mission trip? I haven’t even been able to come up with even 1/3rd of the money to GO!

I’m not whining.

Really, I’m not.

I’m trying to be faithful. I’m staying in prayer. I’m staying in the Word.

But I’m also using the common sense God gave me. I’m not one of those people that believe God waits til the last second to bail you out of trouble. Yes, I’m sure He has, and sometimes He does, but I also believe He is a loving Father who loves His children desperately and would not cause His children undo stress and worry. Yes, in some cases it builds faith. But I just can’t believe my loving Father would sit back and watch us fret unnecessarily. I think He also expects us to use our common sense.

I don’t know, I reasoned it out in my head….now I don’t know if anyone will understand it.

I have to let the church know SUNDAY if I’m going to be able to go. I’m frankly scared of losing 2 weeks worth of pay ontop of losing a weeks’ worth of pay last week. That scares me. It scares me a lot. My kids like to eat.

Who am I fooling…I’m fond of eating too…

So that’s where I’m at….

Did I miss it?

Did I mess up and NOT hear God calling me to GO? Was He saying something else and I was wrong? That fact that He called anything and I was willing is somewhat of a miracle in itself, but to WANT to go, and then not be able to go….well….I just don’t know about that.

So I feel dumb. I’m embarrassed to have possibly gotten it wrong. And I frankly don’t know what to do about it. My faith is strong, it really is, or is it? Is my faith just lacking and I’m too thick to realize it? Do I tell them YES I’ll go, and then risk being out of God’s will and risk serious financial problems because of it? Or do I tell them NO, I can’t go, and again, find myself out of God’s will, and I missed it again?

Confused yet?

Don’t worry, so am I.

Can I ask for a burning bush? Something clear? Is that wrong? I’m so scared of doing something WRONG when my heart is so willing to please God.

Maybe I just had to get to the place where I was willing….maybe He wanted me in the place where He can ask, He can tell, He can instruct, and my answer would be “YIPPEE!! Here I am! Send me!” I’m so there…

So, in the middle of my prayer time this morning with my crying and trying to get some kind of clue from God what I’m supposed to do, my cell phone rings. One of my Youth girls who I counseled with last week called me just to tell me she FOUND IT!

And my first thought was, HUH? LOL Found what?

“Remember, the Bible? You said 2 separate times last week to find the Bible I can read and understand and READ IT. I found it! I’ve already been reading it….”

And while I was writing this, sitting here pouring out all my confusion, my phone rang again, same girl…..this time, questions about sharing her faith.

So, I guess, in the end, even if I don’t have the right answers for whether or not to go to Mexico, I do have the answer that what I’m doing HERE, where I’m applying myself HERE, all the hard work I’m putting in right here, is effective.

And someone is listening.

Praise God.

So please, this weekend, say a prayer for me. I gotta have some answers….