I had a time yesterday where I heard the Lord’s voice almost like He was standing in front of me.

Yes, I realize some are going to throw in the towel with me and chalk it up to insanity. And that’s alright. I can deal with that. I only hope they can in the end….

I remember getting the news yesterday morning that the new baby wasn’t going to start like I planned, and my first thought was:

I failed.

Again.

I had a flash of my kids faces and how was I going to provide for them. This effected my babies. Our life was getting ready to change seriously if I didn’t figure out what to do fast. And that broke my heart. I don’t want to disappoint my babies.

My full time job just dropped to PART time, and I have FULL TIME bills that weren’t going to go away with half of my income.

So, during naptime, I pull out my prayer journal with all the names of all the people I remember to pray for everyday. People I only see once a week. People I don’t see but once a year. My family that I see everyday. And the thought occured to me, “God doesn’t want me putting these people in front of Him, He wants me to put MY things in front of Him.” I can pray for money for Burma, health for my Mom, maternal love for Laney, favor for Austin with his teachers, peace for Shane, rest for Brad, success for Michael, open hearts for my church family, this stuff I pray for everyday….but right now, in this moment…..He didn’t want those. He wanted mine. What was hurting me and making me afraid was what He wanted me to let go of.

Funny how I can pray for everyone else…

So, I laid my prayer journal aside and let loose. The fear, the worry, the feeling of failure, the anger, the guilt….I don’t want to let down my husband, Austin who said he would use a folder from last year to help save money, Chandler that cries when I cry, Brooklyn who sits on my lap and says my eyes are leaking.

And my God, my Savior of my sorry soul, the Creator of the Universe, just simply replied, “I love them even more than you do.”

That’s when I realized, He’s never let my kids go without. They have more than 3/4s of the world sitting upstairs in their bedroom. What I’m worrying about is material and will all burn in the end anyway. None of it makes any difference.

But He still cares that I hurt.

What I’m fearing is not from Him, He’s told me to trust Him. So after my big blubber session I’d like to hope made some sort of sense to Him, I knew to get up of the floor, wash my face, and get back to doing what I know to do.

I have had some prospects coming in, and I am at total peace. Crazy huh? We’ll tighten the belts for now, save money now where we can, and cross the FREAK OUT Bridge when and if we come to it. But I really don’t think we’re even going to see it.

I believe that God is waiting for that perfect moment to tell me, “I told you so.” 🙂

And tomorrow, I have a photo session completely out of the blue for a set of twin baby girls…how yummy is that? And an extra day of work. Two unexpected blessings out of Heaven.

Thank You, Lord, that I can come to You just as I am, even in full freak-out mode. Thank You for letting me blubber all of You, and then remind me of Your truths and pick me back up and set me back to where You want me to be. I trust You. Feel free to continue to blow my mind, I look forward to it! In Jesus name….

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