Dear Egg #1:

I know that you are a big, bad teenager. I get it. You are 10 seconds away from having all the knowledge in the world, surpassing my own feeble intelligence, and do not need the nagging, smothering parents breathing down your neck right before you declare your ultimate independence. Point taken. Let me help you with a little something before you go, and no, it won’t be spit on my thumb to wash your face, I promise:

1.) I am NOT your maid. When I go into your room and happen to pick up clothes off your floor, trust me, it is NOT an invitation to continue throwing your clothes on your floor.

2.) I am NOT your personal servant. I don’t mind fixing plates for everyone when I make dinner. I love you and the first plate is ON ME! But after that, unless you want spit on your 2nd helping, don’t ask me to get it. I do love you though.

3.) Laundry service is done during the DAY. Again, I love you and I want you to wear clean clothes. Trust me. However, the washing machine is afraid of the dark, and once the sun goes down, it goes into hiding. Laundry service starts promptly at 8:30 every morning, if you need something washed, please tell me the day BEFORE you need your crap clothes washed. I promise I will have it washed the next day (waiting for YOU to fold them and put them away. ;) )

4.) You are NOT driving til you are 16. Stop asking. You have 2 years to go.

5.) You canNOT take PE every year til you graduate. I know it’s an easy class, but it will NOT get you into college. Start thinking of your future because with all this maid service you want, you’ll be needing a GREAT paying job to pay someone to do it. And I KNOW you love history, but somehow, I do not believe you will make a “Maid-service-paying” salary on a History major. I’m just sayin’.

And let me end this by saying, I am so proud of you. You are a compassionate young man and by far superior to so many of the teenagers I see at your school. Don’t grow up. Give me a few more years maybe….you can go to a local college right? And live at home? Just give it a thought…you have 4 and half years left to think it over…..

Love, Mom
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Father God,

I KNOW You created everything and I appreciate it. Your wisdom in all things seriously blows my mind. But I just want to know why that yummy, NEWBORN stage lasts WEEKS, but the teen years go on F.O.R.E.V.E.R! I trust Your judgement, but I have some questions for You when I get there…

Please give me patience.

Love,
Dana

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Dear lady that didn’t like her picture:

I thank you sincerely for your business. I appreciated it. (Past tense) But, if you ordered a photo (more than ONE of that particular picture, as a matter of fact), it is not really my fault. You saw the photos. You had 3 full weeks to decide on 24 different photos. You ordered the photos. Trust me, I did NOT switch photos after you ordered them. Photographers really don’t do that. I will fix whatever you think I need to fix, and I’ll even pay for it (the first time), but don’t be insulting please. I’m a nice lady.

The End.

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Dear Brother:

PAY YOUR BILLS.

Love,
Your sister that is going to kick your BUTT if Mom has to go without something again. Seriously. Don’t make me come over there.
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Julie, thank you for letting me get this ALL off my chest. I will have more next week. :D You rock!

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