It pains me to write this. It pains me to have to admit this to myself, much less in public. (Children, close your eyes. My dear husband, plug your ears.)
I’ve grown bored with you. Yes, I said it. It is out there for all to see now. Your characters lately are stereo-typical, contrived, and frankly a little young for you now. Oh yes, I went there.
Every character you seem to play now is selfish, irresponsible, goofy, and terribly immature. Let’s take Fool’s Gold for example:
Granted, you looked yummy. (Sorry, I know, I’m terrible….I’ll repent) But I grew tired of the movie quickly because it was the same type of character. I was disappointed.
And we have Failure to Launch. Again, yummy….(yes, yes, I know…) but when Terry Bradshaw upstages you with his “nekkid room”, there’s an issue.
Oh I could go on and on….seriously, I could. But I feel a little tug on my “lust sensor” that could topple a MACK truck, so I’ll stop….
But it’s made me not even interested in seeing:
Sad. Tragic. Because if anything happened to my dear, handsome husband, I’d marry you next. I promise. But dude, seriously, you gotta get some new stuff! You are intelligent, you are talented, your accent is heartwarming, you are yummy (OK, honest, I’m done. 😀 ), and you can do so much better than the characters you are playing. Think of We are Marshall…
How about a nice serious role? A thriller maybe?? (I draw the line at another horror movie….WOW that chainsaw massacre monstrosity was torture enough….) But how about playing a good husband? A great father? Oh maybe a period film….like maybe from the 1700s or the Civil War period? A touching, feel good movie? Let me point you to Will Smith, have you seen Seven Pounds? Maybe Pursuit of Happyness?
I love you and I’m only thinking of your best interest. Honest. Maybe send your manager over here, I’ll have a talk with ’em. Let me approve those scripts.
And I will still always, faithfully call you Matthew McConayummy. I promise.
But we don’t want you going down the “Val Kilmer” road, now do we? I still cannot watch Tombstone….delicious….”I’m your huckleberry…”
But I digress.
Focus, Matt. The potential is yours. And you aren’t getting any younger. Sorry, had to say it…had to go there…like a band-aid, just rip it off quick….you can’t play these roles much longer. Please. For the love of Peter. No more.
Dana-your next wife 😉