Not sure if it belongs in:

  or maybe  Letters of intent so it’s gonna go on BOTH, because frankly, it’s just too good NOT to share….

Dear Crazy WalMart lady:

Apparently, your momma never taught you any manners.  I am so sorry for this lapse of judgement.  (If momma did teach you, and you are just stupid, I’m sorry to the momma….) 

Let me be the first to educate you on how to properly shop in WalMart:

1.)  We do not yell naughty words.  Naughty words are just that…..NAUGHTY and shouldn’t be said.  You say ’em….then my newly 4 year old says ’em….then someone’s gonna get in trouble.  And it won’t be my newly 4 year old.

2.)  We do not  yell naughty words LOUDLY across all of WalMart when the man 3 times your size is standing about 4 feet from your face.   This one should go without saying.  The man is a giant and from what I can see, since he is standing 3 feet in front of me, young and NOT hard of hearing.

3.)  We do not raise our voices.  WalMart is a breeding ground for crying children, obnoxious teenagers, tvs and radios blaring, and announcements of lost children and husbands on the loud speaker.  It is not by any means a peaceful place, but some of us go there to hide grocery shop free from our children and we’d like to do it in relative quiet. 

4.)  We never, ever, ever, EVER strike the shopper next to us.  Especially the man 3 times your size standing 3 feet in front of ME.  Violence is NOT the answer, I don’t care HOW MANY items he has in his cart.  It’s just not nice.   We keep our hands to ourselves.  If this is difficult for you, we put our hands in our pockets.

5.)  We do not strike the shopper next to us when he has his 4 young children with him.   This one….well….if I were not such a nice lady, THIS ONE would have gotten you decked just for that.   Violence is not the answer, but sometimes, in the cases of stupid crazy ladies in WalMart who decks the shopper next to her in front of his 4 young children, and standing 3 feet front in front of ME and MY young daughter, in cases like that, then violence is the answer.   Oh yes, honey, your butt was almost mine.  (loving church family, please disregard that last sentence. 😉  )

6.)  If you have temporary leave of your senses, please remain in your own home.  Far away from WalMart, far away from other shoppers, and far away from me.  

These rules are easy to follow, and although they are not posted for all to see like an Elementary school, they should be pretty commonplace in most areas of public gathering.   If you have issues with “rules” and “people in authority”  let me direct your attention to any of our wonderful borders, you’re welcome to try out another country where freedom is less free.

Sincerely,

The Mom that will kick the crap out of you if you pull a stunt like that again.   Or taze you.  I’m a big fan of tazing.   The electricity……the flailing around on the floor…..it’s all good fun to me.  

*************************The REST of the Story**********************

Mike and I went to WalMart today, and since we had to be on opposite ends of the store, he grabbed a cart and I grabbed a cart, and we met at the checkout together.   Apparently, the young man and his wife did the same thing.  However, the wife got in one lane, and then after finding her husband, left her lane to go to where her husband was standing in line.

This young man was standing directly behind me.   The Offender in this story was in line directly behind him.  She chose to stand directly behind him because he had fewer items in his basket than anyone else.  

Then……dun dun dun…….here comes the wife with the basket full of groceries (much like Mike and I did).  When the Offender realized that now she was standing behind ME and MY 2 carts (now on the belt being checked out) and this man and HIS 2 carts, she went flippin’ NUTS!

And by flippin nuts, I mean:

Went to the next aisle directly next to us, then proceeded to scream obscenities at him over the candy bars and beef jerkies! 

When he answered her back, as most people would, she lost it, ran around the aisle and came flying FIST first into this young man’s FACE!

Let me interject this story with

H*O*L*Y     C*R*A*P!!!  Who does that sort of thing???

This young man, probably late 20s, early 30s is standing in line with his young, quiet wife and their 4, YES 4 very young children!   When she dove fist first into his face, it knocked him backward into his 6 year old son!  

That’s when the Momma came out in me, and grabbed the kids and moved them back behind me and safely into my own arms, away from the Crazy lady. 

(Remember, the man was standing DIRECTLY behind me, probably 3 feet! 

Again,

HOLY KEY-RAP!!

Then other shoppers started yelling when they realized there were KIDS right there (the very first shout, and Brooklyn was in front of my cart with Mike.  I’m just like that, dawg.  She probably didn’t even see the punch.)  and the Security was called, the cops came…..it was a whole fiasco.

YAY!  LOL  I live in a small, quiet town where stuff like this NEVER happens!  It was awesome.   And poor Austin wasn’t there to see any of it.  He missed it because he didn’t want to go grocery shopping.  HA HA! 

Wait.  Was that glee?   Surely my life is interesting enough all by itself with a great husband with no job, 1 teenager, 1 child, 1 preschooler, 2 jobs (one with 5 kids on-the-side and 1 that is part-time, but acts full time) and more stress than any human person on the planet can take.  Surely, I’ve got more to entertain me than a UFC match at WalMart.

Surely. 

OK, nope.  I don’t.  I crave distraction and that was it.  The FIRST thing I did as soon as we gave our statements to the police and walked out of WalMart was CALL PEOPLE! 

You’re NOT gonna believe this….”

Heh.  I guess other people need distractions too.  Don’t hate.  Just be glad it wasn’t you being sucker-punched in WalMart and someone making a YouTube video out of it. 

I’m teasing.  I didn’t video it.

Maybe.  😉

 

Advertisements