Can someone really transform themselves? Become one thing after they’ve been another. Can an alcoholic truly become and stay sober? Can a prostitute reform and become Mrs. Perfect-Housewife? Can a spoiled socialite become a Missionary of good-will to a Third World country?

I think I want to do that.

I think I want to become someone else.

Someone different than who I am.

So that’s where my journey is leading me. If I fail, then I stay the same. If I succeed then I’ll be different. But that’s what I’m looking at today.

I think I’ve lost myself. I’m not sure where I went, the essence is still here, but the shell of who I was is gone. Maybe in the busyness of my life….being the Mom, being the Wife, being a Full Time worker…..I grew complacent with who I am.

I want to take photographs of myself that I like. I don’t want to be afraid of the camera. Or hide the certain parts of myself that I find disgusting. I want to be able to sit in front of the camera with my family and not gag. I want to hear that I’m beautiful again. Just once. Would it be selfish of me to desire to be attractive again?

Maybe it was when I let the stress get to me and instead of dealing with it, and relying on God, I relied on my Pepsi. Oh my Beloved Pepsi. How I love you. How I love the crisp sweetness, the bubbles….I’ve used you as a crutch for far too long and I’m ending our torrid love affair.

I found other ways to deal with my emotions….steak….oh yummm…how I love steak. But not even that extravagant…cheap meals are easy. Easy is a cheap meal. I’m so busy, it’s just so much easier.

And somewhere in that mess, I lost myself. She’s hiding. But I’m on a quest to find her again.

It’s called Discipline and I need to learn it for myself. I need to be able to hand over the things that I cannot handle on my own to my Christ. I need a lock on my pantry.

I want to do a Project 365, and part of that is learning how to be comfortable in front of the camera in order to put others I shoot at ease when I’m shooting them. But I can’t. Not yet. I can do little things right now, but not everything. There are bits and pieces that I don’t mind showing.

I want to DO things that I won’t allow myself to do because I’m afraid of doing them. I want to crawl through a stupid cave without fear I’ll be the Pooh who gets stuck and someone comes along and draws a face on my butt. I want to do a 3 mile hike without fear of lagging behind and getting lost. I want to go overseas to share my Faith without fear of the village eating on my dead carcass for weeks and weeks because I couldn’t keep up with the rest of the team and died along the road. I want to sit in an airplane seat without it sticking to me and I carry it around with me stuck to my backside. I want to stand in front of my church and sign for offertory without feeling like everyone is looking at my size instead of my hands.

I can sign. I love to sign. But I won’t. How sad.

I want to wear my wedding ring again.

This is my first week of trying, and so far, I’m doing alright. I’m practicing my discipline of watching and weighing and measuring. And I’m practicing extreme restraint with my Beloved Pepsi. I haven’t had one since Monday. And I’ve worked out and burned over 1300 calories this week.

I have to get it together. I want more than just complacency. I want more.

So I’m going to get it.

Shattered

Father God, I’ve failed to give you all of me. I’ve failed to allow you to heal me and change me out of my own selfish desire to be in control. I’m sorry, and with a guilty heart, I hand it over to you….my worries, my concerns, my irritations, my sadness…and I will allow You to heal me and care for me the way You promised to. I will not find satisfaction or fulfillment in the things of my flesh, but in Your Word and Your love. Lord, I ask for encouragement and strength to do this. And it wouldn’t hurt if you’d take my taste for Pepsi away. And maybe cheesecake too. And key lime pie. Lord, I love You and I want what You want for me. Help me to not grow lazy again. Send me motivation, please. In Jesus mighty name. Amen.

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