Last week at camp was wonderful on so many levels. I don’t see how anyone could miss God while they are there! Even us “old” folks! LOL
But in coming home, it seems my priorities are changing. I don’t really know how to describe it, maybe it’s just I’m coming to a realization of sorts.
I love my photography! I love doing it! I love being creative…..but somewhere along the line, I’m missing something and I’m not even sure what. Maybe I’m looking for that deeper meaning to everything. I have this talent for a reason, and shooting newborns and Seniors is really fun and I love everything about shooting them, it’s just not fulfilling me.
In fact, if I can be so honest here for a minute, some of it is driving me insane. I find myself being so critical and nasty with others work (no fellow bloggers) or their learning process and instead of being uplifting I pick them apart in my head. I know, that’s horrible. That’s awful and not appropriate. I realize this.
(In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have been quite so honest……)
Obviously, I had to change my mindset. I am not glorifying God on any level with a crappy attitude like that.
I was looking at everyone (local to me) as my competition and frustrated because I wasn’t understanding why my business was not as successful as other photographers in my area who frankly are inferior to me! (Yes, yes, I know, that’s mean too….I’m just a big mean bully today, but I promise there is a point to all my nastiness! LOL)
Honestly? I think I’ve realized that being some BIG, SUCCESSFUL photographer is not for me. I don’t see a huge photography business in it for me. Being independently wealthy from my photography would be AMAZING and part of me would love to do that full time, but I just don’t really see that in my future.
(Lord, if You’d like for this to be in my plan, I’m all for it! I promise I’ll be thankful and grateful!)
But p i m p i n g myself out like I see so many photographers doing, just doesn’t fit my personality. I take pride in my work, but I was falling into the same game that others are doing and I just don’t like to do that.
(OK, I’m rambling…..terribly.)
My point is, this isn’t what I think God is calling me to do! I’m getting myself all worked up in what I see other people doing, instead of seeking God on what He wants me to do! And then after praying for what He wants I get impatient because I’m not doing anything!
I see myself doing this as a side job, as a hobby, because I feel like God is trying to show me His deeper meaning to it, and my bone-head is not getting it! I was too wrapped up in myself to see or do anything He wanted for me! I want to shoot Missions/Missionaries/Mission works and trips, but I can’t figure out how to do that and still pay the bills.
As it is now, I’m having a difficult time working a full time job and being able to get OFF to do Mission trips! My job is necessary and I love doing it, but I can’t afford to miss work to do mission stuff! So, I’m in a funk.
And now, I’ve realized that this has been nothing but written diarrhea; just typing stuff that I’m trying to figure out in my head. I’m just feeling lost I think.
Pray for me I guess.