Don’t you hate when you are slapped upside your head by friends, with things that you do….without even realizing you do them? God’s been trying to work with me, and yet, I resist it. Why would I do that? Why would I deliberately sabotage God’s work in my life?
And on the other hand, I can’t even say I didn’t know I did it, I know I do it, but it’s become such second nature for me that I can’t seem to bring myself out of this spiraling down-hill circle I continue. It’s like I’m a passenger, and I just smile and wave at everyone I pass on this stupid ride. I hate the ride, but I can’t stop it, even knowing God desires for me to be OFF of this stupid ride.
And yet, I continue to make excuses for myself. UGH.
So, I’m going to try to hop off of it. I have to look myself straight in the face, and stop this downward spiral. I have to take God’s hand and listen to His promises and nothing else. It’s funny that I can do this with the Youth girls at church, and for some reason, I cannot do it myself. So…..I’m going to help myself. What is that saying: physician, heal thyself. (Does that even apply here?)
I am a self-loather. I hate almost everything about myself. I hate how I look. I hate my size. I hate my teeth. I hate my voice. I hate that I’m pretty good at some things, and yet not PHENOMENAL at anything. I hate the self-doubt that is constantly there. I hate that my head tells me all the time that people don’t really like me. I hate pictures of myself. I hate that I’m afraid to do anything.
My friends, 2 different ones, pointed out that I apologize for everything. “I’m sorry” is always coming out of my mouth, for anything, for everything. And I put myself down all the time for anything, for everything; my lack of intelligence, my cooking, my looks, my weight, my photography…..everything is prefaced with: I’m sorry, and then a put down.
I can come up with reasons galore: I’m a people-pleaser, I want everyone to like me, I was teased in school, I was beaten and told everyday I was ugly (by a yucky boyfriend. He’s stupid anyway), I’m really not complimented often in life, my Mom made me eat vegetables….who knows. Maybe I need a shrink.
So, here is my challenge to myself: STOP. (I almost added “ya big do-do” and then realized BAHAHAHAHAHA…exactly what I’m trying to stop! LOL) (and THEN, I almost added to the end of that LAST statement “I’m a big genius“. UGH! I’m telling you, I’m spinning out of control! LOL)
So, here is what I’m going to do: I’m going to find all the verses that I can find on what God says about ME and read them. Hopefully memorize them. And I’m going to try to go through this little Bible Study on Confidence start to finish. I’m going to counteract the BAD in my head with the GOOD from God’s Word. So, let’s see how this goes.
One of these sweet friends did family pictures for us over the weekend and it was all I could do to NOT make her delete them! All I could see was the negative about ME in the pictures. It’s so sad, I didn’t even notice how silly my oldest son was being in the photo and how much I love that about my kids. I was too busy cutting myself down in the photo.
And as much as I HATE photos of myself, I needed a new one for I Heart Faces so I asked her if she could possibly take one of me that I didn’t hate everything about it. That’s nice huh? “Here, take my picture that I’m just going to hate anyway.” Sweet huh? But she did, and I’m going to embrace it and love it. Or like it. Or at least not throw it in the trash.
I’m a work in progress.
Here is the picture for I Heart Faces:
(And no, I don’t really shoot Canon. I had to wash my hands after I did this photo. 😉 ) HAAAAAA! LOL
Be kind! (Especially to yourself!)