This isn’t going to be one of those warm and fuzzy posts, so if you are feeling judgmental today, here is my advice for you:
First, be kind. Always be kind. Secondly, read your Bible until you feel better. Thirdly, just know this comes from a good heart.
The world is NOT full of rainbows and glitter and I am so sad by that fact. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were? Everything sparkly and pretty?
Fostering is teaching me a lot of things, stuff that I would rather not know. Things like evil. I wish I didn’t know there were just evil people out there. No drugs involved….that would give it some kind of rhyme or reason for it, they are not in their right mind. But this….this is just plain evilness. I hate knowing there are people out there that genuinely do not have the best interest for their children in mind. I hate knowing that there are people out there that give their 2, 3, and 4 year old children beer because it makes them laugh. Or that these same children are terrified to STOP eating because they are still afraid they won’t be fed again! I hate seeing the absolute terror come across their faces whenever we try to discipline them. I hate that every time I have to correct them, I have to start it with, “I love you, but…..”. And it’s usually ended with “…..we have to be nice with our hands” or “we cannot eat the entire box of cookies” or something little like that. I want them to always know that bad behavior does NOT stop the love.
I hate that everything has to be a competition for attention. I cannot spend one on one time with each of them without “B” going into one of her jealous fits. I hate that she doesn’t feel loved unless she is the one being showered with praise and attention. And honestly, I don’t know how to handle this. I hate that when we go out of the house, if she doesn’t get her way, she throws herself down and throws a fit, sometimes multiple times. I hate the baby talk and the resorting to infant behavior.
I’m tired of watching the foods I buy and not being able to eat whatever I want to. I hate the stupid cost of healthy, whole foods! I hate that it takes me an HOUR to do “A’s” skin treatments every night before he goes to bed. I LOVE that it works, but it is just so time consuming. It is also great one on one time with him as well….so I guess I can’t hate it too much. Food allergies and eczema consume my every waking moment. I hate the HIGH cost of the special lotions and creams I have to use on him 5-6 times a day. I hate that he’s allergic to EVERY diaper I’ve ever bought for him. I hate that any food he has that he is allergic to, comes out in the form of acid on his bottom and that I can’t change him too fast or too often to stop the rash that is inevitable. And I hate that he is allergic to EVERY food!
I’m just tired today. This is more work than I ever imagined and I hate that it’s necessary to retrain these children that should have had good, loving, stable parents in the first place. I hate that foster care is necessary for bad parents.
But fostering is NOT roses and kisses. It’s work, a LOT of work, and if you aren’t in this for the right reasons, you won’t make it. I think we need to be honest about this. These children aren’t going to come into our homes and fall down and worship us because of what we are doing for them! They are coming in resentful and angry, scared and confused. But most of all, they come in knowing they have lost everything, and the only people they have known. They will always love those parents, as God designed it. But, because of sin and the awfulness in the world, satan takes that love and twists it and makes it ugly. They love a dream of what they wish they had, of what God had planned for them, even though they have no idea what that plan was, or even who God is.
I hate when negative behavior is corrected, they cry for mom, and I hate that I know it isn’t ME they are crying for. It hurts my heart. I know they are young and this is VERY normal behavior, but it hurts my heart. I hate that they don’t feel our love all the time.
I hate that I’m tired and I see this as work. I still LOVE that we are doing this and that we are being obedient to Christ’s call for our family to care for the orphans, please do not get that wrong. It’s just such an overwhelming experience some days.
I hate that invitations to hang out or go out have disappeared. I hate that we wouldn’t have the money to do either anymore anyway. I hate that people see these children as an added burden, instead of a blessing from a loving God for an obedient family.
I hate the thought of Christmas right now. My heart seriously STOPS when I think about it. Santa needs to hurry and become real please. I have children that have NEVER experienced Santa before.
I hate that my house seems to be shrinking daily. I hate that the floor plans I dream up every night as I fall into bed, won’t be coming true. I hate that Ty won’t be visiting us and telling that bus driver to “move that bus!”
But, I love the extra kisses at night. And the padding of little feet in my kitchen has doubled. And the giggles that fill a room. I am honored that God would see fit to bless US. I cannot imagine how in the world I was worthy enough for this.
I’m just glad He did.
Pray for us, if you will. It is so amazing, and one of the MOST incredible experiences we have ever had as a family. But it is draining emotionally and physically some days.
But we are in it for the long haul.