Do you ever totally day dream? Just sit and ponder and plan things that you just hope and pray you can somehow make happen?
I’m doing a lot of this lately.
-Every time I have to step over piles of dirty laundry in my hallway, or sit and try to sort clean clothes out of Mt. Laundry in the overcrowded laundry room. This laundry room was NOT made for 8 people. It is constantly over run with clothes and towels. It’s driving me crazy! I’ve actually drawn out plans for my fantasy laundry room. I’m a sad, sad lady.
-Every time I tuck the Littles into their beds and realize Princess Tiana is growing super fast, and even though she’s only 4, she’s the same size as my 6 year old and probably getting too big to be sleeping in a toddler bed. Lord, I need some good, sturdy girly bunk beds.
-Every time we all pile into the car to go anywhere….and I’m painfully reminded seeing my 13 year old son squish into the back of the 7 passenger vehicle that is holding 8. He sits in roughly 8 inches of seat with no seat belt between 2 car seats. And I feel horrible.
-Every time I try to figure out how to use the master bedroom downstairs as an actual bedroom to add another bedroom into our mix, and then remember we can’t because the air conditioner is broken downstairs. 100+ temps in the summer make for miserable sleeping conditions.
-Every time I see the pantry getting barer and barer. They are eating a lot healthier for sure, and they are thriving, but oh the dreams of having a FULL fridge and pantry!
Oh the dreams!
Some days I just get overwhelmed with all the things I wish I could change or fix, and I feel guilty. I know God called us to do this, but 3? Lord, are You sure 3? I’m trying not to doubt, but when I look at the reality….I get overwhelmed. Lord, are You sure we can do this?
That’s the reality of it. Some days I’m really scared and I worry myself into a stress headache. Can we make this work? Is this possible long term? I know everyone expects me to have all my stuff together, but this is real. People don’t normally take 3 orphaned children into their home….2 with health problems. We’re just a normal, hard-working family, no rich relatives to help out, or the Alice to come everyday to help me cook and clean, or a handy man husband to build or fix everything that needs built or fixed. It’s just us.
And some days I get scared.
I wish I didn’t, but I do. I doubt myself all the time. And some days I hope desperately to hear from God on how to accomplish this ever-growing wish list….and He’s silent. Or the noise from 6 children is drowning Him out. Maybe I’m not praying the right things.
And some days I feel alone.
Is that possible in a house full of people? How is it possible to feel alone when I’m constantly surrounded by people? Maybe I have officially lost my mind.
So I don’t know……here is this painfully honest post that I am scared some days. I am worried that we can’t do this, maybe God thought too much of us. They are so loved and taken care of….they never miss a meal or a doctor’s appointment……they never miss bed time stories piled all together on Brooklyn’s bed……or a snuggle time on the couch (yes, some days with all 4 of the Littles)….and they never miss hugs and kisses and laughing over 4- and 6- year old silliness……but the reality of having 6 children when the needs seem so great, overwhelms me sometimes. Am I being fair to them? Am I giving them enough?
Maybe I need to stop dreaming.