Tonight, I am just struggling a little. So, if you do not wish to read whining, have a good night. I will not be offended if you do not finish past this line.
I just feel lonely tonight.
Yes, I am surrounded by a wonderful husband and 6 amazing children, but today I feel alone. We may as well be on an island somewhere, alone.
When you have more than the average quota of children, the invitations stop coming. I was standing in the back of a very large room watching packs of people congregate together and talk…..and I realized:
I don’t have a pack anymore.
I didn’t have friends gathering around me asking about the kids, how are things around the house, how has your week been, would you like to go to lunch together? Wanna come hang out? Are you busy this week, let’s have dinner sometime this week, Tuesday work for you guys? How is the adoption going?
Maybe people are getting tired of hearing about it. Maybe I’m not as fun and nice as I think I am.
Let me reiterate: fostering is NOT easy. It’s really tough some days, and it makes it even harder when few people stop to ask how we are doing. If we needed anything. Can I just pray with you?
Today, I would have jumped at the chance to have someone pray with me.
I’m not going to lie though, I would have blubbered all over the place. Today was not a pretty day for me.
I have no pack….I have no group of supportive friends that are close enough to me to say these things in real life. I have no one to cry and say “I feel ALONE serving God.” No one seems to understand what we are doing….or even WHY we are doing it.
We are fostering out of OBEDIENCE to God’s call. THIS is our Mission field.
We are not doing this to add children to our family, we are doing this because God has instructed us to, and we are being obedient.
And this Mission field is turning out to be a life-long commitment we have said YES to!
And there isn’t any furloughs in this or a retiring age.
Most people say to our faces that we are crazy. We’ve even had someone we’ve known for years say the words, “You aren’t actually adopting THOSE children though are you?” No, we thought we’d put a slice of bread in their pockets and pin a note to their shirt: FREE TO GOOD HOME. Let me educate you a little:
When you love God, and you pursue a relationship with Him that is strong and REAL, when He tells you to do something:
YOU DO IT.
For the last few months, my prayer has been for a “pack”. I need some good people in real life to surround us and love on us and encourage us. I need some close people I can be totally honest with, and say I need help. I need a hug. I need a night out. I need prayer. I need prayer WITH me. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need people who, without even being asked, they will stand up under us and hold our arms up when we just cannot go on anymore. Those that I thought would do it, haven’t, and that’s painful. It hurts my heart.
My husband thinks I’m just being too needy and expecting too much out of others. “Those that don’t understand what we are doing, are just spiritually stunted” he says. “They won’t understand until they understand God.” And trying to explain it to them is like the verse in Matthew 7:
Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.
Well, I’m hoping it isn’t like that….
But in the meantime, would you pray for me? I’m a social person and I hate feeling alone. If nothing else, ask God to pull my head out for me if I’m being dumb. I’m a big enough girl to take the rebuke. But either way, just pray for me. I have some worries and concerns and I could use the prayer for us.