This letter is hard to write.  It confuses me.  I have mixed emotions and I am not sure how to deal with them.  So, please excuse any rambling….they come from a perplexed brain.

I realize that you are where you are supposed to be:  jail.  I realize that everyone has consequences for their actions, whether by law or by nature.

You tried to kill your baby. 

That is a very hard reality for my mother’s heart to understand and a very hard truth for my brain to come to terms with.  In my “reality” bad things don’t happen, all mommies love their babies, and daddies are present to raise their children.

Fostering has permanently changed that for me.

But, hearing that you had finally been arrested and you were currently sitting in jail waiting your arraignment (or whatever it is they do) to finally pay for your terrible actions against this beautiful baby that I love so much…..

I felt sadness.

I don’t think I was prepared for that.  I wasn’t angry.  I wasn’t gleeful at the thought of you “rotting in jail”, I was sad for you.  I felt compassion for you. 

And I can’t understand it.  It confuses me.

Normally, when bad things happen to bad people, I rejoice with it.  I know that isn’t very nice, but I do.  When Donald Trump claimed bankruptcy, I laughed.  When Jeffrey Dahmer was killed in prison by another inmate, I giggled.  Yes, it’s wrong of me, I know.  But I didn’t feel that this time. 

I feel strangely drawn to you.

I want to go to the jail to meet you.  I want to sit across from you and ask you a million questions. I want to show you pictures of your children, tell you how much they have changed, and share all the fun things we’ve experienced together. 

But above all, I want to share Christ with you.

I have this overwhelming need for you to know Christ.  Even if it isn’t me that gets to share Him with you, I want you to know Him.  I want you to know Him the way I know Him!  And I’m so grateful to have a friend that is sending you a Bible.  That is so important to me right now.

And no one seems to understand this craziness that has suddenly overtaken me.  My family thinks I’ve gone insane.  I have compassion and a strong desire for you to know Christ.  You, the one that tried to murder your baby, need to know Christ.  Me, the one that normally would wish terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things for you….

…is praying for you.

I am not praying BABY KILLER  be tattooed across your forehead.  I am not praying to meet you down some dark alley.  I am not praying for fellow inmates to murder you in jail.  And I’m not praying for you to spontaneously combust.

I am praying for you to meet Christ. 

I am praying for your life to be truly changed by Him.  I am praying that one day, if your children get to see you again, they will see Christ in you.

I am not threatened by you, I am not afraid your children will love you more than me, and I’m not afraid you will ever get your children back.  

I’m afraid for you to live the rest of your life the way you have been living.

I do desire for justice to be done.  I desire for you to have to serve time for the consequences of your actions.  It is how we learn.  And how our society works and functions.  It’s how we keep our community and our children safe.  And why I want you to meet Christ.  It may be the only way you can change.  What you did was pretty shocking and an image I can never get out of my head.  It still brings tears to my eyes and makes me snuggle him just a little longer.  So He is truly the only One that can change you.  And why I pray for you.

It’s strange really, but I suppose this is the work of Christ in me.  Maybe I am bearing much fruit.  Maybe this is the overflow of the Holy Spirit working and moving in my own life, that I can have compassion on you.  


The soon-to-be Real Mom. 

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