Spawn of Satan
Can’t wait til you’re gone.
Hearing these all of your life, knowing this is what people that are supposed to love you think about you, how would anyone think differently of themselves? Always being left out. Everyone around you looking down on you, waiting for every mess-up, pointing out every flaw about you to you…..and everyone else around you. Everyone knows your deepest secrets. Everyone knows your deepest shames. And if it wasn’t bad enough as it happened, then it’s exaggerated to make it a better story, to the point of complete fabrications.
No one could survive this constant torture. No one should. Emotional abuse and torture may not leave marks on your skin, may not leave scars on your physical body,
but it deeply marks and scars your soul.
When you live in such constant torture emotionally, when you actually come across someone that honestly loves you and honestly wants to see you succeed, you don’t recognize it, and certainly cannot accept it. When you have a family that brings you in, accepts you, tries to wipe off all of that ugly you have spent 14 years carrying around, you don’t feel like you deserve to be clean. And you certainly don’t deserve to be loved.
What if I am that bad kid?
Those words spoken out of a deep, dark place will always haunt me.
You guys are this really awesome Christian family, and I’m just not.
School was a struggle for #7. He could barely read on a 1st grade level when we first started our interactions with him a year ago. Now, after a year of private tutoring, he’s reached roughly 4th grade level. He’s a terribly hard worker at everything he does, especially school. He didn’t want to be in “special” classes. He didn’t like the stigma, the embarrassment, it’s hard enough he’s a foster child.
So, I started praying circles around #7. As I would look for something to clean in his room (because his room is constantly spotless, he even vacuumed almost every day!), I would pray over him. Blessings and scriptures would pour out for him as he would be at school. “Lord, I want him to know he is loved! Quiet those voices that tell him he doesn’t deserve love. Speak Your words of love to his heart while he sleeps. Give him favor with all who cross his path. Keep those who would wish him harm, far from him!” And, as I did for my older boys as well, I would leave notes on his freshly made bed:
Unfortunately, his childhood demons just couldn’t let him go. Just couldn’t let him win. His behavior since his placement has been wonderful: does chores better than most kids, helps with his younger siblings, does his school work, polite, fun, started reading his Bible consistently with our older son, and started asking to lead the family prayer at the dinner table (because yes, we really do eat dinner at the dinner table, another big deal for him). And just this past Sunday, all the big boys sat around the living room listening to him read Proverbs. Mike was teaching him the importance of reading his Bible consistently, and Austin would lean over and help him with the words he couldn’t read. No one judged him. No one teased him. No one mocked him or made fun of him for his inability. They wrapped their spiritual arms around him and encouraged him and built him up.
But, he just couldn’t believe that a “normal” family could love him.
So, for now, #7 is back in a facility. Physically, he is fine. Emotionally he is broken. My heart is broken for him. I’m sick to think that someone could break another human being to this degree. I’ve seen it physically with my sweet Jeremiah, but this is a broken spirit, a broken heart, and I’m not sure I can fix that. I think the only One to fix that…would be the Maker of that heart.
So please pray for #7, he’s a great kid! He’s funny, super creative, a very hard-worker, and very deserving of love and kindness and everything good in this world. And he DOES deserve a family.
And pray for our family, it is weird without him here. I don’t know where this will lead us. The little ones slept in his bed that night, and haven’t slept apart since. They have no idea what happened, all they know is their brother is gone….and they miss him. He is a great brother.
But especially, please watch how you treat and act toward your children. You cannot call them awful names. You cannot talk horribly about them to them, or in front of them. You cannot tell them that you cannot wait the 5 years til they are gone. When your baby is crying, you cannot put them in another room to cry and just turn up the TV or music to drown out the sound. You must meet their needs, emotionally and physically.
The damage done can be permanent. The baggage they carry after, is exhausting. I’m just thankful that this time it did not lead to a death.