Black and White


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I would love to say we are completely color blind.

That when we look at our children

vanillas, and chocolates, and

one we aren’t really sure what flavor he is…maybe caramel?

We are color blind.

And for the most part, it’s completely true:

the assignment of chores and responsibilities,

bedrooms and roommates,

loves and snuggles,

discipline and correction,

bedtime stories and dinner time prayers…

there is total color blindness; total fairness.

But there are times when their color becomes painfully obvious:

stares in public,

double-takes in the grocery store,

questions of “are they all yours?”

or “lord, honey, what HAVE you done to her hair?”

When Lizzie draws pictures of herself with long blonde hair and white skin, I am painfully aware of color.

We celebrate our children’s uniqueness:

Chandler’s gorgeous green eyes like their dad,

Austin’s stoic face like his dad

Brooklyn’s amazing long, wavy/curly hair

Lizzie’s beautiful milk chocolate skin and gorgeous “puffy” hair

Jaxon’s incredible big brown eyes and long eyelashes

Jeremiah’s utterly adorable dimples that he only shares with select people.

But it wouldn’t be right or fair of us as parents to say that we are always, 100% color blind.  They each have their struggles they will deal with later in life.  I’d love to think that they will each have the same opportunities because they will be given the same upbringing, but that just isn’t how the world works.

The world still sees color.

I won’t be able to shield them from what the world sees or says or how they react or think.  The world won’t know of Jeremiah’s struggles as a baby from child abuse that nearly took his life.  They won’t know of Jaxon’s compassionate heart and patience.  They won’t know of Lizzie’s beautiful, bubbly laughter and kind heart.  They won’t know these things first….they will know their color first.

I pray that the world will become color blind.

I pray that the world will see the Jesus in their hearts and lives first.….and become overwhelmingly impacted by Him…

before they see their color.

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 Because when I look at them, I see Jesus.

I see the work Jesus did in our hearts to prepare us for His work.

I see the work Jesus did in Jeremiah just to save his life.

I see Jesus in Lizzie as she made a toothfairy that looks like her…milk chocolate with “puffy” hair.

I see the healing Jesus has done in all of their hearts.

Please, see Jesus first.  Don’t pay attention to color.  Look at their hearts.  Get to know the person behind the skin.  See the beauty before you see anything else.

And always… kind.



I have entered this photo in the I Heart Faces Black and White photo challenge for April 2014.


Yes, I would do it again.


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I’ve been asked recently:

Knowing now, what you didn’t know in the beginning, would you do it all again?

Fostering may not be perfect, and there are times when it is messy and ugly, but the short answer is:


And because I’m not one to give short answers, I will elaborate.  You knew I would anyway.

Yes, the foster care system is terribly lacking, in some cases horrifically corrupt, full of lazy, jaded workers, and broken.  I think everyone has heard these stories.  But let me shed some light on another side:  workers that work tirelessly, all hours of the days, nights, weekends and holidays for children that may never know of their efforts…many who fight them in all areas.  I know and have seen and have worked with DHS case workers that would give their own homes to shelter these children, I’m sure have given shirts off their backs, money out of their pockets, and probably lunches too.  They know the system is broken, but they work so hard to give these foster children more, better.  They are seldom encouraged or thanked for their work.  Well, from MY heart:  THANK YOU foster care workers, placement workers, adoption workers and case workers!

So, for them, I would gladly do it all over again.


Between fostering ours, and volunteering at the Emergency Children’s Shelter, I’ve seen a lot.  I’ve experienced a lot.  Most of it hurts.  I’ve been through emergency brain surgery, states away from my home, on a 3 month old that has his head beat against a wall 4 times.  I’ve had children who ate out of trash cans or off the floor because they had no idea if they would eat again.  I’ve had children so hurt by their families, they cut themselves to relieve the emotional pressure in a physical way.  Some cut little shallow cuts, and some are large, and scary, and deep.  I’ve walked in on a child trying to hang themselves because they just couldn’t deal with knowing they had been “thrown away” by their family.  I’ve waited, helpless, as the emergency vehicles came, sitting next to this child, shaking and crying uncontrollably.  Strength is hard to muster when you sit with a child who doesn’t want to live anymore.



I’ve sat in the Shelter with children begging me to take them home with me or in the least, find them a family.  I’ve testified on behalf of children in court and if the parents even bothered to show up to court (most don’t), you get the evil eye.  I’ve been trashed verbally and all over social medias for doing this, sharing our stories, and that is really rough.  Knowing that we’re following God, and hearing terrible things being said about you, it hurts.  I’ve seen the faces of children who have lost all hope for their future….or a family.  I’ve sat and held children that cry for their abusers, the very ones that hurt them, and I don’t understand.  I’ve sat in on family therapies when their families didn’t come, even after orders from the courts, and heard stories that would break your heart and give you nightmares that evil to this extent does exist in the world.  These are the stories I can’t bear to tell.


My heart is broken in so many pieces.

But each time, God mends it back together and is patient with my cries of not understanding the ugliness of this world, my cries of my own selfish fatigue.  Sometimes, the ugliness is so evident, and directed at me, and I want to circle my wagons and shut out the world….shut out the ugliness.  The filthy, lying, yucky, unGodly, , abusive ugliness.


But I can’t.  These children need us, ALL of us.  I can’t quit and I would never even consider going back and NOT doing it again.  The kids are worth all the pain, heartbreak, evil eyes, and trashing behind my back.  Even if I had them only short term, knowing they were whole-heartedly loved while they were here, will heal some portion of their hearts.  If nothing else, for just a short time, they had peace.  Their demons were quiet.  Their abuse had stopped.  If only for awhile.

Their smiles, their laughter, their learning all make it worth it.  And every child deserves that.  So yes, I would gladly, unashamedly, do it all again, even knowing all that I know now.

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I Heart Faces | Smile


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This month’s photo challenge over at I Heart Faces is


These are my 2 beautiful daughters.

One, I gave birth to, and one, God blessed me with through the foster care system and adoption.

They are total and complete sisters.

They love each other.  They play so well together.  They share toys and clothes and secrets….and the disdain of brothers who enter their room without permission.

They read their Bibles together and have impromptu dance parties.

Brooklyn taught Lizzie how to tie her shoes.  Lizzie taught Brooklyn how to be a little more outgoing.

Lizzie was 4 when she came to us.

Brooklyn was 6.

When you foster, you have no idea who will come.  You have no idea the impact the children will have on your home or your family.  You have no idea if your children will like the new ones, or the new ones will like the old ones.  You just kind of have to hope and pray that it will all work out.

And today, we have sisters.

Sisters that love each other completely.

Their smiles are real.


And most certainly…so are mine.

God has been very good to me.

A broken heart


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Spawn of Satan

Devil Child




Can’t wait til you’re gone.

Hearing these all of your life, knowing this is what people that are supposed to love you think about you, how would anyone think differently of themselves?  Always being left out.  Everyone around you looking down on you, waiting for every mess-up, pointing out every flaw about you to you…..and everyone else around you.  Everyone knows your deepest secrets.  Everyone knows your deepest shames.  And if it wasn’t bad enough as it happened, then it’s exaggerated to make it a better story, to the point of complete fabrications.

No one could survive this constant torture.  No one should.  Emotional abuse and torture may not leave marks on your skin, may not leave scars on your physical body,

but it deeply marks and scars your soul.

When you live in such constant torture emotionally, when you actually come across someone that honestly loves you and honestly wants to see you succeed, you don’t recognize it, and certainly cannot accept it.  When you have a family that brings you in, accepts you, tries to wipe off all of that ugly you have spent 14 years carrying around, you don’t feel like you deserve to be clean.  And you certainly don’t deserve to be loved.

What if I am that bad kid?

Those words spoken out of a deep, dark place will always haunt me.

You guys are this really awesome Christian family, and I’m just not.

School was a struggle for #7.  He could barely read on a 1st grade level when we first started our interactions with him a year ago.  Now, after a year of private tutoring, he’s reached roughly 4th grade level.  He’s a terribly hard worker at everything he does, especially school.  He didn’t want to be in “special” classes.  He didn’t like the stigma, the embarrassment, it’s hard enough he’s a foster child.

So, I started praying circles around #7.  As I would look for something to clean in his room (because his room is constantly spotless, he even vacuumed almost every day!), I would pray over him.  Blessings and scriptures would pour out for him as he would be at school.  “Lord, I want him to know he is loved!  Quiet those voices that tell him he doesn’t deserve love.  Speak Your words of love to his heart while he sleeps.  Give him favor with all who cross his path.  Keep those who would wish him harm, far from him!”  And, as I did for my older boys as well, I would leave notes on his freshly made bed:


Unfortunately, his childhood demons just couldn’t let him go.  Just couldn’t let him win.  His behavior since his placement has been wonderful:  does chores better than most kids, helps with his younger siblings, does his school work, polite, fun, started reading his Bible consistently with our older son, and started asking to lead the family prayer at the dinner table (because yes, we really do eat dinner at the dinner table, another big deal for him).  And just this past Sunday, all the big boys sat around the living room listening to him read Proverbs.  Mike was teaching him the importance of reading his Bible consistently, and Austin would lean over and help him with the words he couldn’t read.  No one judged him.  No one teased him.  No one mocked him or made fun of him for his inability.  They wrapped their spiritual arms around him and encouraged him and built him up.

But, he just couldn’t believe that a “normal” family could love him.


So, for now, #7 is back in a facility. Physically, he is fine. Emotionally he is broken.  My heart is broken for him.  I’m sick to think that someone could break another human being to this degree.  I’ve seen it physically with my sweet Jeremiah, but this is a broken spirit, a broken heart, and I’m not sure I can fix that.  I think the only One to fix that…would be the Maker of that heart.

So please pray for #7, he’s a great kid!  He’s funny, super creative, a very hard-worker, and very deserving of love and kindness and everything good in this world.  And he DOES deserve a family.

And pray for our family, it is weird without him here.  I don’t know where this will lead us.  The little ones slept in his bed that night, and haven’t slept apart since.  They have no idea what happened, all they know is their brother is gone….and they miss him.  He is a great brother.


But especially, please watch how you treat and act toward your children.  You cannot call them awful names.  You cannot talk horribly about them to them, or in front of them.  You cannot tell them that you cannot wait the 5 years til they are gone.  When your baby is crying, you cannot put them in another room to cry and just turn up the TV or music to drown out the sound.  You must meet their needs, emotionally and physically.


The damage done can be permanent.  The baggage they carry after, is exhausting.  I’m just thankful that this time it did not lead to a death.

“You’re my moms”


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Our house is pretty laid back.  We follow a pretty strict schedule as much as I can, and everyone has chores they are responsible for everyday.  We help each other, and we contribute to the running of the house.  We encourage one another and we play together.  A lot. 

So, if you are not used to a household like that, it would be difficult to acclimate. 

#7 (our newest foster child, a teenage boy) was helping me cook dinner, a nightly favorite of ours….when we do most of our heart-to-hearts….when I asked him:

Me:  So, how do you like living with us?  Have we scared you off yet?

#7:  No, I really like it {insert very large grin}

Me:  Really?  Is it better or worse than you thought it would be?

#7:  It’s a lot better.

Me:  Really??  What makes it better?

#7:  Everything.  It’s like I’ve always been here.  You’re my MOMS! 

Me:  That’s pretty cool. {trying desperately not to cry over the dinner prep}

#7:  Yeah, that’s pretty cool.

My heart is FULL.  It is desperately full.  I was so afraid to even do this.  I have 6 children already.  I am so tired already.  How do we feed one more mouth, especially a teenage boy that eats nonstop?  What if all the scary things I’d read and heard about him from his old life, are true?  He’s so FAR behind in school!  How in the world can he even catch up?  What if we can’t do this? 

Lord, please find him a family.  He deserves a GOOD family and one with fewer children.  I just can’t.  Find him another family.  Please!

He needs you.

And it’s like he’s always been here.  He is excited about school and he enjoys going.  A lot.  He is excelling in his class.  He does his chores….without being asked.  He loves on my little ones and loves to hang out with my big ones.  He is active and funny and helpful.  He reads his Bible and his devotion book.  All of the scary diagnoses I’d heard and read about?  He has none of them (per his therapist he has seen almost daily for the last 7 months).  None.  Not one.  He is a normal teenage boy who needs to be loved.

And he calls me Moms.

I don’t know what the future holds for any of us, but in this one small second of time, it’s alright.  It’s just fine.  I needn’t be afraid.  I needn’t worry.  Just follow where He leads us, and do what He says to do.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just don’t be afraid.

Luke 12:31-33

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

“So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.

 “Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven! And the purses of heaven never get old or develop holes. Your treasure will be safe; no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it.”




The Perfect Law

Reading the Bible through in a Year, and this was today’s reading! PERFECT! I have a blog about that!

From chaos to Grace...

One may not promote a “horse tripping event”.

It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.–This one I must concur… 😉

Whaling is illegal.-because I guess in OKLAHOMA it was a big issue…we’re so close to the ocean and all…

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.–This one I’m just afraid to know the reason behind…

Tissues are not to be found in the back of one’s car.–Well…this one I have broken. 😉 I have kids, I must have tissues…

Living in Oklahoma, I did a search for stupid laws here…I’m sure everyone has them. I just cannot even imagine WHY these are actual laws on the books. Were the legs of farm animals…

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Project: Gratitude Day 4


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Some people have wonderful childhoods.  Full of everything wonderful.

Magic and unicorns.

And some children do not.

Wednesday, our 7th child officially moves into the house.  Our 4th foster child.

He is 14, and a boy.  It may as well be a death sentence for him in the world of foster care.  Very few people will take teenagers, much less boys.

He has had a really, really rough year.  And his struggles are not over.  School alone will be a massive challenge for him, and it’ll be his first real experience with school.

I lost count of his attempted suicide attempts this year.

So, on our weekly passes with him to bring him home with us to spend the night and go to church, I watch.

I wait.

A simple smile.

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The sound of laughter that rings through the air, and echoes in my house.

For a foster parent, that is the most magical of sounds.  It is the most beautiful of sights.  They are not always easy to come by, and they can take a very long time to see.

Welcome, #7.

Project:  Gratitude, Day 4, I am so grateful for a simple smile.

Project: Gratitude Day 2



I am happy today was a good day. That is all. Spent the day with my parents. Made a yummy dinner. Went to a wedding rehearsal. The kids were great. There were no problems or fires to put out. Everyone made it through the day….alive. When both of your parents came close to not making it through the year and you are a parent of 7 children, good days are what you live for. Nothing flashy or fancy, just genuinely GOOD days are perfect. Today, I am grateful I could smile. It was a good day