Who should NOT foster children.

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Bible verses on orphans, foster child, foster children, foster parent, fosterchild, fosterparent, God, orphan, ways to help the orphan

I LOVE fostering!  I love doing this!  I LOVE that God called me into this Mission!

Is it easy?  Not at all.

Is it glamorous?  Only if yoga pants and not showering have become glamorous.  (A girl can dream…)

Is it worth it?  Absolutely.

I believe with all of my heart that God was very specific in His call for EVERYONE to help the orphan.  He even gives very specific ways to do that:

Deuteronomy 10:18, “He executes justice for the orphan and the widow, and shows His love for the alien by giving him food and clothing.”

Deuteronomy 14:28-30, “The Levite (priest), because he has not portion or inheritance among you, and the alien, the orphan and the widow who are in your town, shall come and eat and be satisfied, in order that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hand which you do.”

Deuteronomy 24:21, “When you gather the grapes of your vineyard, you shall not go over it again; it shall be for the alien, for the orphan, and for the widow.”

You get the idea.  God did NOT give specifics on WHO should do this:  “Only middle aged, married white couples should help the orphan”  “Only old, retired people who have raised children and now have no life, should help the orphan.”  There is no age, there is no race, there is no marital status to any of these commands.  He just said DO IT.

But…..here is my disclaimer:  not EVERYONE should directly foster children. {gasp} “But you just said….blah blah blah” That is right, I just said God commanded all of us, but He did not say all should directly, hands-on adopt or foster children.

Let me be very specific here, there are MANY ways you can help the orphan and foster child without directly being that hands on person.  Let me share the WHO should not directly foster children:

If you do not like children…you probably should not foster children.  Goes without saying, but important to begin the list.  😉  If you do not have a solid LOVE for children, find another way to help foster children.  Period.

If you do not like children that did not come out of your body…or from the body of your spouse, you probably shouldn’t foster.  Could also be translated as not liking OTHER peoples children.  Same concept.

If you prefer one s e x/race/nationality over another…you probably shouldn’t foster.  And you can be VERY specific with what child you’d like in your home, so taking a boy over a girl when you really don’t like boys….is a pretty mean thing to do.  If you would rather have Creek Indian over a Cherokee, you can choose that, so taking a child that is something you do not prefer, is not fair to the child.

If you are not patient, especially with children…you probably shouldn’t foster.  Foster care is probably the EPITOME of patience!  We work with “broken” children that need healing.  That healing can come very very slowly.  It will not happen at all if we lose patience with them.

If you are doing it for the money…you SHOULD NOT FOSTER.  These are the people I want to punch in the throat.  (And I’m really not a violent person!)  This reason makes me angrier than most reasons.  And people can deny it all they want, but if the words have EVER come out of your mouth, stop fostering.  Get out.  GET A JOB, fostering is not the “job” for you.  Children are expensive, and what little reimbursement you get for fostering, you will always be in the hole (if you are fostering for the RIGHT reasons).  To put it in perspective:  I made almost TWICE the amount of money babysitting one child a month, than fostering.  No joke.  If you need money, babysit someone elses child and don’t foster.

If you want recognition…you should not foster.  It isn’t a glamorous life.  It’s hard.  It is the opposite of pretty.  It is also very lonely.  Applause and accolades cannot be heard at 2:30 in the morning when the child has just barfed all over your brand new bedspread.  If you want recognition, become a famous movie star.

If you cannot put a child’s needs/desires over your own…you should not foster.  This is, as it should be, all about healing a child and giving them a safe, loving home.  If your child wants to play football and you hate football…guess what?  Grab your bleacher seat because you need to let him play football.  Or soccer.  Or basketball.  Now, I just used sports because I have 4 boys and I find sports to be VERY good for them.  And I am not saying give in to their every whim, but some desires are healthy!  Now, NEEDS are a totally different creature!  If they NEED new shoes, you buy them!  If they’ve grown out of their jeans, you buy them!  If they NEED deodorant, you buy it!  If you can’t do this for whatever reason (can’t afford it) then don’t foster.  PERIOD.

If you are selfish by nature…you should not foster.  Fostering becomes all about that child (or children) and you take a back seat.  That’s just the name of the game.

If you cannot handle special needs…you should not foster.  All foster children will have damage of some kind:  emotional, physical, psychological, etc.  They require more care in general.  They require more doctor’s appointments, therapy, etc.  It is our responsibility as their foster parent to get them whatever help they need.  If you can handle some special needs over another, be specific when you go into this.  And remember, you can say NO to any child you do not feel is right for your family.

I’ll be the first to say WE NEED MORE FOSTER PARENTS!  But I will also scream just as loudly:  BUT ONLY GOOD ONES!  There are too many bad ones out there as it is.  Let’s get some GOOD ones!

Be kind to others and help the orphan and widow often!  😀

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What fostering has taught me…

Tags

adoption, Christ, finalization, foster care, foster child, foster children, foster ministry, foster parent, fosterchild, fosterchildren, fostering, fostering siblings, fosterparent, God, God's love

We are anxiously awaiting the date of our upcoming adoptions of all 3 children, and now, I am looking back over the last 17 months with these children, and I am amazed.

Amazed how far the kids have come:

Diva Princess has matured and grown so much.  She has bonded not only with us as her parents, but with her siblings.  She doesn’t have that deep FEAR of everything and everyone, and her circumstances and her new family and not being LOVED!  She is BEAUTIFUL and so very HAPPY!  She is a joy to my heart!

Little Man is TALKING!  Whole sentences!  And while it still sounds as if he is talking with a mouthful of marshmallows, it is COMMUNICATION!  He has gone from a TERRIFIED child, afraid to be touched and held and rocked, to CRAVING it.  His favorite past time is sitting on my lap in the rocking chair.  I love that past time.  He was so afraid of leaving the house (afraid he wouldn’t be back) and strangers coming to the house (afraid they’d take him away)….and he has such FAITH and TRUST now.

Baby Boy is a miracle.  I cannot say that enough.  He is walking….more like running.  He is a climber.  He has this unbelievable CURIOUSITY about him, he wants to know what everything is and how it works.  He is beginning to try to communicate with words now instead of screaming or pointing.  Medically he is healing so well.  He has epilepsy, and yes, honestly, it does break my heart for him, and yes, we must carry an emergency backpack of medication for him wherever we go….and yes, it will effect the rest of his life down to the sports he will be able to play, or even the Christmas lights he will hang on his tree….it isn’t a death sentence.  He was given a death sentence in the hospital, and that is gone.  He has been given LIFE and I want him to live it and enjoy it to the FULLEST!

This is what fostering has taught me:

I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

I am not going to sugarcoat fostering.  There is always struggle:  emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, etc, with the children, with your family, in your job, with your spouse.  Some days, it hits all at the same time!  But, being able to carry on, keep living, muddle through, PURSUE and let LOVE win out, is the ability to adapt and grow and change.

I had this image of fostering before we did it:  angelic children, cherub babies and fat chubby baby thighs….smiles and laughter…..OK, well, I wasn’t that delusional, but close. I knew we’d have damaged children, physically and emotionally.  But it’s so much BIGGER than that!  And being able to HANDLE all of it has surprised me.  I can do this!  But I couldn’t have done this without Christ.  I could give you story after story, example after example, of parenting moments I had to LITERALLY, physically leave the situation, get completely alone, and just for a second, cry out to Jesus.  “Holy Spirit, I have NO idea what to do here.”  “I have no idea how to parent in this situation.” “Help me to understand.”  And every time…..EVERY time I asked, He did.  But I had to humble myself and understand that alone, I will fail.  I had to know enough about myself and enough about God to know, HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO, I don’t.  My plan fails every time.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Phil 4:13

Love changes everything.

So cliché right?  But I know the difference, I’ve seen the difference!  I’ve seen fostering done for all the wrong reasons, and I’ve seen firsthand what it costs the child.  We decided to foster out of obedience to God and out of the OVERFLOW OF HIS LOVE FOR US, no other reason.  If we had treated these children as “foster children” or a “pay check”, that isn’t love and we would have failed.  If we had just stuck the child in the back of the house and played music or the tv so loudly it drowned out the sounds of the baby crying, we would have failed.  We can’t count the days or weeks or years til they were “gone”…that isn’t love.  We can’t look down on them for their parents or their upbringing, their s e x or their age, ethnicity or culture.  If we did, we wouldn’t have been doing this out of LOVE.  We had to go into this knowing we were going to have LOVE through very ugly situations bigger than us and had to go to Someone bigger than us for help.

I had to know the One that loves me first, in all of my wretchedness, before I could love someone else, especially a broken, abandoned, abused child.  I had to be willing to set myself aside, my selfish wants (sometimes needs) aside, to show LOVE to these children….even when it hurt, even when I was exhausted, even when I had NO idea what I was doing.  I had to SHOW LOVE.  Every day.  In every circumstance.  If I couldn’t show MINE all the time, I had to show Christ’s.  And that saved our family, our children, our lives.

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.  If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. 1 Cor 13:1-3

Fostering is worth it.

I hear the giggling of the Littles playing together, I hear all 6 of the children playing a game together and my heart rejoices.  I see one of the children reach a milestone or achieve something and I get excited.  It’s worth it.  Every dime spent, every mile driven for medical, every therapist, every hour of sleep lost, every tear cried…..all of it:  they are worth it.  They are worth our time and energy.

More of us should do it.  Not EVERYONE…trust me, there are some that should not do this and I understand that.  But so many good, patient, wonderful parents are out there that CAN do this and aren’t.  I am begging you…..look into it.

The system is hopelessly broken.

I cannot even begin to give an answer that will fix this problem.  The longer I do this, the more I see it is an iceberg:  I only see a tiny piece of it….when underneath is a whole societal issue, and society cannot fix itself until society as a whole wakes up and gets involved.  It isn’t just MORE foster parents…it’s fixing the broken adults that are creating the foster children.  It isn’t a better foster care system or better workers.  I’ve seen AMAZING workers!  I’ve also seen the awful, lazy ones, don’t get me wrong.  But these people see unbelievably heartbreaking situations and they change lives for pennies.  Their job is hard and pretty thankless.  Well, from my family to all the wonderful caseworkers trying to change the world:  THANK YOU.

If you can get involved in some way or the other, do it.  Please.  I don’t pretend to know all the answers or claim to never to have failed.  But I have loved, wholeheartedly and unapologetically, whether we keep them or send them home….I have loved.

Seeing the Invisible

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church, church mission, foster care, foster child, foster children, foster parent, fostering, fosterparent

On my journey to a closer walk with Christ, I knew God was refining me to see what He saw.  He was teaching me to see how He saw.  He was trying to get me on His path and the journey that He had for me and my family.

And that journey had something to do with children.

And something to do with orphans.

I planned to sell the house.  Sell our cars.  Sell our furniture.  Sell our belongings.  Pull the kids out of their schools.  Kiss our families goodbye.  And move to ANYWHERE in the world to work with orphans.

I saw those starving faces and I was moved.  I would see those beaten and battered little bodies and I would cry.  I would see children living and eating in trash heaps, and I wanted to shelter them and feed them.  I saw what Jesus saw, and I was so sorry.

It’s funny, how we think ORPHAN and instantly think of Africa.  China.  Burma.  Guatemala.  Every remote, scary, impoverished place on this planet……

Except America.

I didn’t think of here.  This is not where I ever imagined God calling us.  I imagined everywhere else.  But that wasn’t God’s plan.

People think foster care and they think “oh”.  It isn’t glamorous.  It doesn’t sound as adventurous and “ministery-ish” or “missionary-ish” and people dismiss it.

No one has love offerings for foster families or donation campaigns of clothes, food, or furniture.  Churches don’t have letter or card writing campaigns to encourage the foster families.   No one is sending “mission teams” to help build buildings or add additions onto houses for families in the U.S. that need more room.  At least none in my area.

But they don’t see what I see.  They don’t know what I know.

I’ve seen the beaten and battered bodies.  I’ve helped nurse them back to health.  I’ve prayed he wouldn’t die.  I’ve sat by his hospital bed more than once crying as I rocked him for the terribleness done to him.

I’ve seen the bloated belly of the malnourished.  I’ve moved him away and out of the trash can more times than I could ever count as he foraged for food.  Every day is a mission to teach him to trust that someone will feed him.  Every day and at least 3 times a day.  I’ve treated his disease-ridden body every day, trying to heal him as best as I can.  I’ve seen the faces of strangers when they see his leopard-spotted scars covering his stomach and back from neglect of his disease.

I’ve held and rocked and snuggled the orphan of America.  Every day is a new day to show them the love of Christ.  Every day is a new mission to teach them that they are good and they are worthy of love.

They are worthy of parents that love them.

Even if I did not give birth to them.

As of late 2010, more than 408,000 children were in the U.S. foster care system. Of those children, 107,011 were considered “adoptable”—meaning, their parents’ rights have been terminated or relinquished.  In Oklahoma alone, there are over 8300 children in foster care.

Each child has different needs and concerns.  They all have different demons they face.  So fostering these children is never easy.

It’s hard work.

It’s tiring physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

But, God had a plan for those missionaries in the foster care system:  His church.  He called us FIRST as a church and as Christians to help the orphans, and for too long, we failed.  He designed us to be supported and encouraged through our church families.  He planned us to walk this journey within our Christian communities with people that will surround us with love, encouragement, prayer, support: financially, emotionally and spiritually.

How are you helping?

How is your church helping?

If your church isn’t helping, spread the word!

This is a lifelong journey, and for us, one that won’t be ending with the adoption of our 3 foster children.  God is revealing much more and much bigger plans for our family, but we cannot do it alone.

Will you please commit to praying for our family as we seek God’s plan for “more”?

It is something that is much bigger than I could ever dream, and much bigger than anything Mike and I could do alone.  It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.  This is God-sized and we have no idea the beginning or the end of it.

We cannot do it alone.

Ways to help the orphan

Tags

foster care, foster child, foster children, foster parent, fostering, fostering siblings, fosterparent

May is National Foster Care Awareness month, and as everyone has been reading my facebook statuses……I have shared ways to pray for every aspect of the foster care system.

But, now, I think it’s time to share ways that EVERYONE can help the orphan, especially the foster child.  It has been brought to my attention that I talk a *lot* about fostering, and that it really isn’t something that everyone should do.

Quite right, quite right. 

I 100% agree with that statement, and I’ve stated that very things several times, including on the blog. 

No, not everyone is cut out to foster and/or adopt.

Some people just should not do that.  Each one of us has talents and skills we excel at, and for some, that does not include parenting other peoples children.  For others, it may be not parenting at all.  We are all made differently. 

So, if God commanded us in the Bible to help the orphan, how are we to do this if we weren’t made to foster and/or adopt?

Well, as luck would have it, I’m there for ya.

Here is a list of ideas that ANYONE can help a foster child in your area: 

1.)  Pray.  I know this goes without saying, but we are dealing with so many problems all at the same time, without God, we’d be lost.  Completely.  Pray for physical, emotional, spiritual healing.  Pray for comfort and peace, patience and energy.  Pray for needs being met, emotional, spiritual and financial.  Pray for workers and attorneys and counselors and therapists.  Pray especially for wisdom and understanding.

2.)  Respite.  One of the BIGGEST blessings for me throughout this nearly 9 month fostering journey, has been my best friend taking the time to become my OFFICIAL respite worker.  She has taken the children for me on several occasions and that has been such a God-send.  The kids love her too!  I don’t think I could have done this without her.  Some times you DO just need a chance to step back, regroup and BREATHE.  If you cannot foster, but you still want to be involved on a closer level, sign up to be a respite worker.  It means spending time with foster children, but only as often as you need. 

3.)  Volunteer.  This takes almost ANY form, here’s a few ideas:

     a.)  Volunteer at the shelter.  I know the shelter in our area is SUPER nice, and they’ve made it EASY to volunteer!  You can volunteer as much or as little as your schedule allows!  And the ideas are LIMITLESS:  clothes sorter, book reader, baby rocker, basketball player, make up artist, paint fingernails, etc etc etc….

     b.)  Tutor a foster child whether in the shelter or in a foster family.

     c.)  Become a Big Brother or Big Sister in your area.

4.)  Have a skill?  USE IT!  I know of one photographer that has volunteered her skill taking Senior photos for all the graduating Seniors from the Children’s Home!  I’ve known a hair salon that all of the hair stylists volunteered their skill to cutting an entire foster families hair whenever they needed it.  I’ve known of a movie theater that allowed a foster home free movies to use as rewards.  I’ve known of carpenters that volunteered their time and skill to adding on a bedroom to make room for more foster children. (A local lumber yard donated the supplies!)  A Karate school waived tuition for their karate classes.  A bakery donated birthday cakes to a foster family for all their birthdays.  It REALLY is limitless in how you volunteer!

5.)  Become a CASA worker.

6.)  Adopt a foster family.  We were so blessed to have had the Frito Lay company in our state, adopt our family at Christmas time.  We really would have been completely SCREWED without their help!  When we were house parents at the Children’s Home in our area, we had a church "adopt” each house.  Each church did various things, but here are some ideas of what some of the churches did:  provided a meal WITH the family once a month, provided groceries occasionally, took them out once a month for a fun outing to the lake/bowling/camping trip/movies/etc, helped with house projects once a month, sent presents/cards for each child’s birthday, spent TIME with each child and did fun, personal things with each child.  Talk to your church about ways they can get involved and help a foster family (or Children’s Home) in your area.  If it’s a small foster family, perhaps a church can adopt several foster families! 

7.)  Donate.  Clothes, shoes, used electronics (iPads, iPods, calculators, tvs, dvd players, computers, etc), furniture, small kitchen appliances, TOYS, baby equipment, FOOD, books….pretty much anything usuable in good condition can be used by a foster family or the Shelter or a Children’s Home.  Donate TIME and TALENT as well.  Can’t say that enough.

8.)  Mentor.  I just feel like this needed it’s own space.  Being a foster child is HARD and they can feel so alone, sometimes, just knowing someone is out there and cares what happens to you, and keeps in touch with you, REALLY helps.  It can be something as simple as emailing or texting or more involved like getting together.  They need positive role models and encouraging people to walk this hard road with them.  They need to know they are important to someone and that they matter.  It’s an easy thing to do!

There are MANY, MANY opportunities that EVERYONE can do something to help.  It just takes the desire to do them.  What is your excuse?

Father God, I ask that You will prick the hearts of everyone that reads this post, even those who just browsed it, with the heart and desire to help those in need.  Open their eyes to see the opportunities available to them to obey Your commandment of helping the orphans.  Open their ears to hear their cries.  Soften their hearts, Lord, to the need that is out there.  I believe You did command us, all of us, to help and I ask that this month, people will step up and obey.  Thank You for trusting us with these 3 foster children and help us to always do the right thing.

In Your precious Son’s name.

Dear Birth Dad

Tags

birth dad, birth parent, foster child, foster children, foster parent, fosterchild, fostering, fosterparent

I have all of these things I want to ask….to say….to talk to you about.

But, how do you do that?

I’ll just write it here, knowing full well, you’ll never see it.  But secretly wishing you would.

You’ve missed so much!  You’ve missed sitting with him in the hospital after his emergency brain surgery.   Watching his every breath to make sure the next one is coming.  That fear of not knowing if he was going to make it through.  That horrible drive home from Florida to Oklahoma with these awful, awful stitches in his head.  Cringing over every bump or going past the Hospital signs on the highway, not knowing where the next hospital was….just in case.  The stares from people when we would have to stop and they would see his head….the swelling and Frankenstein incision.  All of those terrible emotions that have bonded us with him forever.

All of those drs visits to keep him alive.  And still, always the stares from strangers wondering about his head and his horseshoe-shaped scar.  But even more recently…

He’s crawling now.  Something we never thought he would do.  He is pulling up to stand, shocking all of his therapists.

He laughs the most beautiful sound, and you swear there are angels in the room with you.

You can gauge his happiness and joy by the size of his open mouth smile.

He just cut 2 tiny teeth.

I think he has food allergies like his brother, so we have to avoid peas so far.  But we’ve been through this with Little Man, so we aren’t so afraid anymore.

He LOVES to eat avocadoes!  Fresh bananas he wrinkles his nose up at, and we have nicknamed him Hoover because he picks up EVERYTHING off of the floor.

He just turned 9 months old.  He weighs 18 lbs and 6 ozs now.  He’s still skinny, but he’s really long.  I think he’s going to be tall like you.  Sometimes, when he smiles, I see your face.  I think your mom would too.

He also adores the basketball.  He’ll swat it around the living room and giggle, chasing after it, only to swat it away again, and laugh.  I think he’s going to be a baller like you were.

He has these beautiful, beautiful eyes, with mile long lashes.

He’s so handsome.  Some days, I just sit and watch him in amazement.  God saved your son.  He saved him from death 3 separate times.  I hope you know Christ.  We pray that you do, or you will.

Yes, we pray for you.  You are not the sum of your mistakes.  Christ came for you, too, and loves you as much as He loves me.

Somedays I’m afraid you’ll come back and take him.  Is that wrong?  We pray God’s will for Baby Boy, and if it’s not in our favor, we pray He’ll heal our hearts.  God will go with him wherever he is.  I know he’s your son, but most days, I pretend he’s mine.

But in the mean time, in this time of not knowing, we’ll take great care of him.  We love him so much.

I’ll update you more as time goes by.

Love,

Baby Boy’s Foster Mom