Oh it was that time of year again for us at Eastwood……{dun.dun.dun} CHURCH CAMP. Or Faith Week as ours is called.
This year, I had 2 ladies new to the Faith Week cabin experience as counselors. One, I had as a camper and she has graduated to the big-leagues! Super sweet, amazing, very grammatically correct…..and literal. “Praying” is always praying. You don’t interchange the two. (I may or may not ever share this super-secret code with anyone but fellow counselors. Suffice it to say, I am super duper modest and shy with certain things. I know you’re shocked.) And the other is the Youth pastor’s wife who was a counselor with their old church, so she wasn’t new to Faith Week at all, just with our particular church.
So, in honor of these 2 fantastic ladies I enjoyed camp with this year, I am going to teach you how to properly prepare for church camp.
You might want to take notes.
Pray:
This goes without saying I think, but just in case, let’s put it first. Here are a few things I always remember to pray for:
1.) Rain. Hush…..I don’t want to hear your whining. If it’s raining, that means I don’t have to get out in the heat. That means the teenagers don’t get out in the heat either and I can stay in the air conditioned cabins. Don’t hate. Rain is my little personal Heaven during camp.
2.) Non-menstruation. Yes, I said it. Imagine with me for just a second: 15-20 moody, bloated, irritable teenage girls all wanting large amounts of chocolate, their own way, and most of them do not know how to properly dispose of their “products”. See what I mean? That’s right…..I would greatly appreciate your prayers for next year. I knew you’d understand.
3.) Quiet. Yes. Quiet. Nice, simple, unimaginable quiet. No kids screaming all over me, no phones ringing, no salesmen at my door, no one asking me for money, no one asking me when dinner is….simple Quiet. It’s a beautiful thing.
OK, church camp is probably far from Quiet, however, it beats my normal, hectic days. So yes, I pray and thank God for Quiet. And yes, it deserves a capital letter.
Things to Pack:
1.) Duct tape. Oh momma…..duct tape; the answer to almost every problem. If my prayer for Quiet doesn’t get answered, I’ll answer it myself…in the form of duct tape. {evil, maniacal laughter} Oh, and it’s handy for hanging up the chore chart and cabin rules (as long as the room is not freshly painted because then, the paint comes off when you take those very important pieces of information down off of the wall. Oops. Not that I did that. Ever). {cough cough} And the occasional camper that tries to sneak out…..did you know that you can actually duct tape them to the wall and they will hang there til morning til you wake up? You didn’t? Ahem. Me either. Don’t ever forget duct tape.
2.) Old lady clothes. No, not for you, trust me….these are not for any style-conscious person. The best place to find these articles are at a thrift store. No, no, hear me out. You are looking for the highest waist, highest collar, and that covers from ears to ankle. If you can find capris with loud flamingo prints, even better! And YES, you are looking for the WORST.PRINT.EVER! Something with weird colors that won’t match anything, yucky elastic waists, and that burn the retinas when looked directly at.
Here’s why…..there’s always those girls that try to get away with the shorts that are too short and the shirts that show their lovelies. Usually the uber adorable ones that think they are too cute for the modesty rule…..or any rules in general. (Trust me, the cutie girls N.E.V.E.R get away with breaking the rules with me. {evil laugh} The cutie girls should have been nicer to me when I went to high school….I’m scarred for life now.) Anyway…..on that first day of camp, when they are wearing their cutie-too-short-shorts, and you tell them to change, and they reply with they don’t have anything that is longer……
YOU ARE READY! BAM! OLD LADY BERMUDAS! KA-CHOW! CRAZY CAPRIS!
(OK, I may be enjoying this a little too much. You get my point: cover their lovelies and Queen Victorias.)
3.) a noisy, cheap box fan. This serves 2 purposes:
A.) relieves the heat: especially if you suffer from crazy hormones. I’ve graduated to the warehouse-style fans that sound like a helicopter circling overhead.
B.) disguises noises in the night. Especially snoring. Not that I would do that very unladylike thing. (Hush April) Again, why I graduated to the warehouse-style fans that sound like a helicopter circling overhead. Don’t hate.
4.) Sense of humor. Trust me, there will be those times, those days, those hours that the girls will drive you insane! They will get angry with you for making them change out of their revealing wardrobe, remember their Bibles, memorize verses, stay in the service and not hide out in the bathroom…..and they will say ugly things. Sometimes to your face. Most of the time, behind your back. And you have to be the bigger person. You are not allowed to yell back. You are not allowed to say ugly things back to them no matter how badly you want to. And you are NOT allowed to taze them. They will hurt your feelings. Let it roll off. Smile and laugh anyway! Remember your sense of humor. (Maybe laugh at all the dumb things they said and how YOU could have insulted them so much better. Whatever. Just remember to LAUGH!) In the heat, in the humidity, in the Faithweek Ugly……remember where God placed you…..remember that heat, humidity, bugs, and stupid are a constant….and laugh anyway.
(I think this goes along with remembering to pack your big girl p.a.n.t.i.e.s. You will be wearing them.)
Which brings us to:
Things to leave at home:
1.) Any semblance of pride. One, God can’t use a prideful person in the first place, and two, because there’s NO HOPE of actually looking halfway human at CAMP! Oh I am NOT exaggerating here. In fact, I have named it The Faith Week Ugly. Everyone at church is used to seeing me with cute, adorable hair, my make up applied perfectly, and no pit stains. However, at camp, the nights are LAAAAAA-AAATE and the mornings are EEEARRRRRLLLLLLLY which leaves no room for sleep. Not to mention the heat that will MELT.YOUR.FACE.RIGHT.OFF!! Oh, I ain’t playin’ with you! IT WILL MELT OFF! And the humidity ruins any sort of hair do, cute or not, into a frizzy mess! And don’t even try to apply mascara! Ever bake something in the oven and you open the door to the oven quickly, and the blast of heat melts your eyelashes together into a clump of spider legs on your eyeballs? Oh yes. It’s like that. Leave your cute at home. It dies at camp. Horrible death. Lots of weeping. Let it go. It’s ok to cry….it can’t get much worse….
2.) alcohol. No matter how badly you think you need it. Just don’t bring it. It’ll be alright. Somehow, God will reward you for NOT killing anyone this week. I promise.
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There are probably a MILLION more things I could post here, but I’m sure you want to sleep sometime right? Just remember why you are there. LOL And I have to brag on our Eastwood girls, they are amazing! They make my job FUN! I just remember to bring lots of snacks for late night munchies and gab sessions on my bed! LOL Bring chocolate….they will come!
Love more than you thought was possible and pray even harder and you, too, may survive church camp!
DISCLAIMER: this was meant to be funny and does not refer to anyone in particular, either real or imaginary.