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I love to hear the excited squeals from the kids when my husband walks in the door…

I love to hear the padding down the stairs of little Brooklyn feet…hear her laugh. I love to hear her talk, hold conversations with me. The look on her face when she is trying to figure something out…her warm snuggly body when she’s asleep.

I love Chandler’s eyes. They are the most beautiful shade of green with a gold ring in them. I love to see those eyes sparkle with laughter….see him play with little kids, he has such a compassionate heart with little ones…

I love to share conversations with Austin. The intelligence in that head of his in only his 13 years really is something. I love to see his generosity with people, his sweet giving spirit. I love to see him curled up in my chair with his Bible open, deep in thought.

And I love sneaking little naps in with Mike on Saturday afternoons. Curling up with him in the bed, all warm and close….trying to get some sort of sleep in before the kids find out where we’ve gone. Talking late at night after the kids have gone to bed over our day. I love to see Mike studying and memorizing his Bible. When he secretly raises his hands in church. I love his smell after a shower and the sight of him playing with the kids. The contrast of his strong arms holding a tiny Brooklyn. His smile…

These are things I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to be gone and miss out on my kids growing up. I don’t want my KIDS to need me and I’m not there. Brooklyn waking up in the night scared and calling my name, and I’m not there to hold her and snuggle her close in safety. Chandler rushing home from school in excitement of his day, with a handful of papers for me to see…and I’m not there to see them, or his excited face. Austin looking for me for advice, and I’m not there to give it. Mike needing to talk over a decision with me, and I’m not there to give a Wife’s perspective on it. I don’t want him to NEED me, and I’m not there.

I won’t ever be there again.

I’m really struggling here. I’m struggling to understand, to make sense of a senseless act. I open my Bible to find an answer to this, and it won’t come. I only find things I WISH I had said before…

I had a friend, one I was only just getting to know, who killed herself on Friday. She had young kids like my own, a husband, and wonderful parents. On the outside, everything was perfect, but no one knew the extent of the torment she lived with, and my heart BREAKS for her. Instead of the stupid conversations we had, laughing and cutting up over dumb stuff, there are so many things I WISH I had said. So many things I wish I knew before….but instead, we spent those last exchanges after church laughing over things that probably only WE would laugh at. Standing by the elevator, kids running amok around us…and us discussing nursery staff.

Stacy, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. At least our last conversation we were laughing. I guess. That doesn’t bring much comfort.

So, because I cannot say them to her, I will say them here…in hopes that they will bring comfort to someone…

Exodus 3:7 The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering.

He hears us…He SEES us….and He’s concerned about our suffering.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:21&22 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

1 Corinthians 10:17 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

Please…..please…just don’t. Wait….please.

Our HOPE is in the Lord. He PROMISED us. Experience God the way I experience Him….He’s ALIVE…and He CARES! He HEARS! And He SEES! I’m begging….just let me try…..Let HIM do it…..Let Christ make the difference….please….I’m telling you….HE makes a difference.

Please….just don’t. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry.

Our HOPE is in the Lord.

I will not forget.

I will not forget.