Dear Birth Dad

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birth dad, birth parent, foster child, foster children, foster parent, fosterchild, fostering, fosterparent

I have all of these things I want to ask….to say….to talk to you about.

But, how do you do that?

I’ll just write it here, knowing full well, you’ll never see it.  But secretly wishing you would.

You’ve missed so much!  You’ve missed sitting with him in the hospital after his emergency brain surgery.   Watching his every breath to make sure the next one is coming.  That fear of not knowing if he was going to make it through.  That horrible drive home from Florida to Oklahoma with these awful, awful stitches in his head.  Cringing over every bump or going past the Hospital signs on the highway, not knowing where the next hospital was….just in case.  The stares from people when we would have to stop and they would see his head….the swelling and Frankenstein incision.  All of those terrible emotions that have bonded us with him forever.

All of those drs visits to keep him alive.  And still, always the stares from strangers wondering about his head and his horseshoe-shaped scar.  But even more recently…

He’s crawling now.  Something we never thought he would do.  He is pulling up to stand, shocking all of his therapists.

He laughs the most beautiful sound, and you swear there are angels in the room with you.

You can gauge his happiness and joy by the size of his open mouth smile.

He just cut 2 tiny teeth.

I think he has food allergies like his brother, so we have to avoid peas so far.  But we’ve been through this with Little Man, so we aren’t so afraid anymore.

He LOVES to eat avocadoes!  Fresh bananas he wrinkles his nose up at, and we have nicknamed him Hoover because he picks up EVERYTHING off of the floor.

He just turned 9 months old.  He weighs 18 lbs and 6 ozs now.  He’s still skinny, but he’s really long.  I think he’s going to be tall like you.  Sometimes, when he smiles, I see your face.  I think your mom would too.

He also adores the basketball.  He’ll swat it around the living room and giggle, chasing after it, only to swat it away again, and laugh.  I think he’s going to be a baller like you were.

He has these beautiful, beautiful eyes, with mile long lashes.

He’s so handsome.  Some days, I just sit and watch him in amazement.  God saved your son.  He saved him from death 3 separate times.  I hope you know Christ.  We pray that you do, or you will.

Yes, we pray for you.  You are not the sum of your mistakes.  Christ came for you, too, and loves you as much as He loves me.

Somedays I’m afraid you’ll come back and take him.  Is that wrong?  We pray God’s will for Baby Boy, and if it’s not in our favor, we pray He’ll heal our hearts.  God will go with him wherever he is.  I know he’s your son, but most days, I pretend he’s mine.

But in the mean time, in this time of not knowing, we’ll take great care of him.  We love him so much.

I’ll update you more as time goes by.

Love,

Baby Boy’s Foster Mom

Sometimes she calls me momma

Tags

foster children, foster parent, fostering

Fostering children older than infants brings it’s own set of issues.

I’ve mentioned Princess Tiana’s (sort of) bonding issues before in a previous post.  She doesn’t have a bonding issue so much as a MEMORY issue:

She remembers her mom.  She remembers her “dad” (or whatever male was in the home at the time, she’s had several “dads” in her 4 years).  She remembers toys she had, and clothes she had, stuffed animals she slept with, the pillowcase on her pillow.  She remembers grandma and grandpa, an “Aunt Jxxx” and Uncle “Mxxx”.  She remembers the park she played at over at “Aunt Jxxx’s” house and the bathing suit she wore “when the park sprayed water”.  She remembers her friends at school and her teachers.

She remembers and she misses it.

For the most part, she has always called me “Dana”, and it’s alright.  I understand.  I’m not her mom yet.  In the grand scheme of her life, I’ve only been in it for a minute anyway!  She only came in August, and I know it will take time.

But, I’ve noticed something lately….

sometimes she calls me momma!

And, more and more often now, she is doing it!  Now, more often than not, she calls me MOM!

When she stands on her little step stool and helps me cook at night (my sneaky way of spending one-on-one time with her), I’m momma.

At night, when I’m tucking her in, and she calls out to me after her hugs and kisses and bedtime stories….she calls, “Goodnight, momma!”

When I pick her up from her Sunday School class and she sees me at the door….she squeals “MOMMA!”

It wasn’t this hard with Little Man or Baby Boy because they are little, I will be the only momma they ever remember.  All the memories they have of mom will be of me.  Little Man may remember situations that were scary, and care he did without, but he doesn’t remember the person.  But, Princess Tiana is different because she is older.

And every day it gets better.  Every day I am building good memories with her.  Every day there is a new good experience to help replace the bad ones.  She’s never had a bed before.  She didn’t know what pajamas were or why we need to wear them to bed.  She didn’t know what chocolate chips were or grilled cheese sandwiches.  And she LOVES to cook…..so every day, she helps me cook.

And we bond.

It’s up to me to build that bridge, not hers.  It’s up to me to find those sneaky ways of spending one-on-one time with her even though I have 6 kids.  It’s up to me to build good memories with her.

And then, one day…..you turn around…..

….and sometimes she’ll call me momma.

I do have to add….she told me one day while baking a cake (a new experience for her) that I was the “Good Mom” and her other mom was the “Grumpy Mom”.  YAY!  Glad that wasn’t reversed.  😉

It all began…

There are some days that I swear are just made for me!  I believe they are God’s way of letting me know, He has this.  It’s under control.  It’s fine.  Keep going.  Don’t quit.  It’ll be alright.  Smile.  Laugh it off.  Stay calm.  Relax.  Smile again.  Laugh again.  You’re doing My work.

Yesterday was one such day.  It started much like other days:  too early, fussy 6 year old, boys that don’t want to get out of bed, other boy that doesn’t want to sleep and wakes too early, and a 4 year old that only wants to wear skirts and dresses meant for church, and thanks, boys, for using up ALL the hot water.  Again.  Yes, I do indeed enjoy cold showers. Ugh.

The big boys leave for the day, and I fall back on the couch exhausted and realizing it’s only 7:15. 

More kids come to spend the day with me, medications, drops in Little Man’s ear, crying when he has to go to the bathroom, what’s for lunch today?, shoot, what’s for dinner?  Grocery store again?  Really?  How can we go through that much food?

And on and on my days go.  Boo-boos that need kissing, books that need reading, clothes that need washing, more clothes that need washing….kids that need snuggling (YAY!)…..it’s always the same.  Not enough space, not enough storage, not enough time, not enough hands, always dreaming.

But last night, we were invited (with our 6 kids) to my cousin’s Life Group (small group from her church).  They wanted to meet us….and our 6 kids.  After you have so many kids, invitations seem to disappear for obvious reasons.  But the day before, my cousin’s husband asked:

Would you like to say something?

Say something?  Me?  Really?  I’m usually the one behind the camera, I like to talk, but most people don’t ask me to say something.  Like, in front of people.  Like, to people.  I can do a snappy slideshow with pretty pictures…..but say something? 

I can talk about God.  So, there you go.

But, meeting new people is always so scary to me.  EEK!  I’ll go in faith, and pray God moves.  That’s all I can do.

Oh, He not only moved, but He danced and sang!  God is so good!

The house is FULL of people, amazingly sweet people, talking to my kids, asking questions as we all mingled, getting to know our family.  And the time to begin, I started the video, and then restarted the video, and then paused it several times, because they wanted to READ about each child.  They wanted to know all they could about these new babies in my home. 

And, then, the time to speak, and I just stared for a second.  But, the story was simple.  The story that God laid out for us, is an easy one. 

“Our journey began with an unquenchable, unshakeable, hunger for God.  We knew there was more, and we wanted it….” 

So, I just started the story from the beginning.  Just tell what God has done.  Tell what He accomplished.  The story is simply about how good God is, and what can be accomplished with simple obedience.  I can always share Christ. 

But, for me, the most amazing thing…..

They listened. 

They wanted to hear our story.  They wanted to hear all about what God is doing, and how He is moving.  And when we were done, there were a lot of tears, and a lot of questions for us.  They stayed, they talked, they asked more questions, they hugged us, they hugged our babies, and they listened.

They asked what they could pray for, what can they believe God for on our behalf.

They were interested and they listened to the amazing, wonderful, life-changing, mountain-moving, Spirit-breathing things that God has done.

We left, and I cried.  I think I cried all the way home.  I cried again this morning retelling the story on the phone.  GOD is amazing.  He is good.

And it all began with that unshakeable, unmoving, breath-stealing, unquenchable hunger for God….