I was abused and I was raped.
WOW, just typing the words out is a scary thing to do. Few people in my life know this, but somehow, they’ve been affected by those 2 facts. So why in the world would I start a blog with them?? Why would I say it outloud for all to see?
Because, we all have things. We all have experiences that color the way we see things, react to things and ultimately, they can either make us or break us.
And we build walls around ourselves to protect us.
I’ve lived most of my life within those walls.
I’m terribly insecure.
I suffer from very low self-esteem.
I am distrustful.
And for a very very long time, I was unforgiving. I was a good, sweet girl, and someone stole that from me. I won’t write out the tortoreous ways I planned evil for this man, but just know it wasn’t pretty.
It was my very first boyfriend. Awwwww….. And I was YOUNG, and he was not. When you are a young girl of only 15-16, you just know that you know it all. Ahem….yeah….that didn’t work out so well for me. He used to hit me only occassionally in the beginning, and then it became more and more frequent. He was smart and knew where to hit so no one would see and he was very good at instilling the fear that if I told….worse things would happen. I was told almost daily how ugly and unworthy I was, and I believed him. Maybe a part of me still does?
I have to stop for a second. I can’t believe I’m actually writing it. I just need to breathe for a second.
Anyway, he was persistant and when I wouldn’t give in, he just did it. And that’s about as good as I will be able to write it. It wasn’t my choice, but having lost my voice somewhere along the way, I was too afraid to reach out to anyone for help. And because of that, I lost my virginity as well as my innocence. And I stayed in this personal hell for a year. Endured the mistreatment for way longer than I should have. But I as afraid.
Someone must need this, because I don’t share this story willingly. I’ve shared only a small portion with some of the Youth girls at camp, but ONLY because the Lord prompted me to tell it. Otherwise, I sit behind my walls of fear and self-doubt and peek out occassionally. It’s IN the vault….
Zephaniah 3:17 says The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
After this experience, I clung to God. I searched for Him. I thirsted after Him like it says in Psalms 63:
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water…..verse 7 goes onto say Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
I wish I knew NOW what I didn’t know then, things would have been a lot different. I have a voice now. A loud one. I stand up for myself and others. And I know how to rip off ears and poke eyes out of sockets. That knowledge would be thanks to my handsome honey. He taught me how to defend myself, and not in pretty, lady-like ways either. 😉
But that experience was the catalyst that made me build those walls. And honestly, they are still there. Not as tall anymore, but still present. I still have fear. I still doubt myself all the time. I still feel unlovely and gross a lot of the time, but Christ has called MY name and He reaches in and helps me to tear down those walls.
Lamentations 3:21&22 says Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
If I had allowed it, this experience could have destroyed me. I just built walls of self-loathing, it could have been much much worse. But, I was made for something MORE than this experience, and Christ Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth wouldn’t let me go. He picked me up, brushed me off and held onto me.
For years, if I ever saw this man, I would freeze up. I would panic, but the HOPE that I have in Christ has allowed me to let it go. Oh it still isn’t something I like to talk about, and times I’d still like to go inside and hide, but because of the Lord’s great love, I am not consumed….
Honestly, I am no longer afraid of him. One, I have a great husband who will defend me, but I don’t believe I need that. I have forgiven him. Deep down, in the darkest part of my heart, this is not there. I have let him and what he’s done go. I don’t harbor ill towards him, he is forgiven. I believe I could actually sit down and hold a decent conversation with him now, maybe share Christ with him. That scared young girl, naive and trusting, is gone. In her place is someone strong and secure in Christ, not in MYSELF, but in Christ. So Eddie, if you happen to stumble across this, you are totally 100% forgiven….with all honesty…
So I am free to take those walls down, gosh it HAS been a slow job, and I don’t know if I can remove all the stones myself, but Christ has held my hands to remove most of them. We all have our own insecurities and our walls we hide behind, but trust me when I say, it’s safe to come out if we hold onto God.
He doesn’t let go of us…..even at our lowest….even at our scariest…even at the UGLIEST.
He doesn’t let go of us.
Lord, I ask that whoever needed this message, will get it. I ask that wounds are healed, lives are changed by the power of Your word. It will not return void. Lord, I ask that any that would use this for ill would be stopped, only the good would come out of it. It’s not something I like to share, but know You asked me to share it. Thank You for the strength and courage to do it. Lord, I ask that anyone who needs to read and hear this message, will stumble upon it and turn to YOU for their help and salvation. Guard us and watch over us, Lord, in Jesus name….our hope is in You….