Tags
abuse, beating, Christ, fear, forgiveness, hope, rape, self-esteem
I was abused and I was raped.
WOW, just typing the words out is a scary thing to do. Few people in my life know this, but somehow, they’ve been affected by those 2 facts. So why in the world would I start a blog with them?? Why would I say it outloud for all to see?
Because, we all have things. We all have experiences that color the way we see things, react to things and ultimately, they can either make us or break us.
And we build walls around ourselves to protect us.
I’ve lived most of my life within those walls.
I’m terribly insecure.
I’m afraid.
I suffer from very low self-esteem.
I am distrustful.
And for a very very long time, I was unforgiving. I was a good, sweet girl, and someone stole that from me. I won’t write out the tortoreous ways I planned evil for this man, but just know it wasn’t pretty.
It was my very first boyfriend. Awwwww….. And I was YOUNG, and he was not. When you are a young girl of only 15-16, you just know that you know it all. Ahem….yeah….that didn’t work out so well for me. He used to hit me only occassionally in the beginning, and then it became more and more frequent. He was smart and knew where to hit so no one would see and he was very good at instilling the fear that if I told….worse things would happen. I was told almost daily how ugly and unworthy I was, and I believed him. Maybe a part of me still does?
I have to stop for a second. I can’t believe I’m actually writing it. I just need to breathe for a second.
Anyway, he was persistant and when I wouldn’t give in, he just did it. And that’s about as good as I will be able to write it. It wasn’t my choice, but having lost my voice somewhere along the way, I was too afraid to reach out to anyone for help. And because of that, I lost my virginity as well as my innocence. And I stayed in this personal hell for a year. Endured the mistreatment for way longer than I should have. But I as afraid.
Someone must need this, because I don’t share this story willingly. I’ve shared only a small portion with some of the Youth girls at camp, but ONLY because the Lord prompted me to tell it. Otherwise, I sit behind my walls of fear and self-doubt and peek out occassionally. It’s IN the vault….
Zephaniah 3:17 says The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
After this experience, I clung to God. I searched for Him. I thirsted after Him like it says in Psalms 63:
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water…..verse 7 goes onto say Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
I wish I knew NOW what I didn’t know then, things would have been a lot different. I have a voice now. A loud one. I stand up for myself and others. And I know how to rip off ears and poke eyes out of sockets. That knowledge would be thanks to my handsome honey. He taught me how to defend myself, and not in pretty, lady-like ways either. 😉
But that experience was the catalyst that made me build those walls. And honestly, they are still there. Not as tall anymore, but still present. I still have fear. I still doubt myself all the time. I still feel unlovely and gross a lot of the time, but Christ has called MY name and He reaches in and helps me to tear down those walls.
Lamentations 3:21&22 says Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
If I had allowed it, this experience could have destroyed me. I just built walls of self-loathing, it could have been much much worse. But, I was made for something MORE than this experience, and Christ Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth wouldn’t let me go. He picked me up, brushed me off and held onto me.
For years, if I ever saw this man, I would freeze up. I would panic, but the HOPE that I have in Christ has allowed me to let it go. Oh it still isn’t something I like to talk about, and times I’d still like to go inside and hide, but because of the Lord’s great love, I am not consumed….
Honestly, I am no longer afraid of him. One, I have a great husband who will defend me, but I don’t believe I need that. I have forgiven him. Deep down, in the darkest part of my heart, this is not there. I have let him and what he’s done go. I don’t harbor ill towards him, he is forgiven. I believe I could actually sit down and hold a decent conversation with him now, maybe share Christ with him. That scared young girl, naive and trusting, is gone. In her place is someone strong and secure in Christ, not in MYSELF, but in Christ. So Eddie, if you happen to stumble across this, you are totally 100% forgiven….with all honesty…
So I am free to take those walls down, gosh it HAS been a slow job, and I don’t know if I can remove all the stones myself, but Christ has held my hands to remove most of them. We all have our own insecurities and our walls we hide behind, but trust me when I say, it’s safe to come out if we hold onto God.
He doesn’t let go of us…..even at our lowest….even at our scariest…even at the UGLIEST.
He doesn’t let go of us.
Lord, I ask that whoever needed this message, will get it. I ask that wounds are healed, lives are changed by the power of Your word. It will not return void. Lord, I ask that any that would use this for ill would be stopped, only the good would come out of it. It’s not something I like to share, but know You asked me to share it. Thank You for the strength and courage to do it. Lord, I ask that anyone who needs to read and hear this message, will stumble upon it and turn to YOU for their help and salvation. Guard us and watch over us, Lord, in Jesus name….our hope is in You….
From chaos to Grace... 
{{Hugs}} My ex husband abused me and told me how worthless I was, actually continues to do so and tells my kids too. But, I know I am not worthless and neither are you. It’s not easy to say all of that and I am glad that you did.
Thank you for your obedience to share even when it isn’t easy! Shhh…Listen! I’m pretty sure I hear some of those stones from your wall hitting the earth even now! 😉 HE is faithful. I am so glad that He held tightly onto you and spoke His love over you. Zephaniah 3:17 is one of my favorite Scriptures. I am agreeing with you in prayer that anyone who needs this message of hope will read it this Christmas Season. You are free my sister!! I am rejoicing with you!
I ran across your blog from Not Me Monday – when I read this post, i immediately thought of both Psalm 40 and Psalm 18 – several very cool and incredible imagery scriptures about God pulling us out of the mud and mire and putting our feet on a ROCK! Thanks so much for sharing something so personal – may the Lord be praised for your faithfulness.
Shirley
satan loves the secrets. the things we think we cannot share. you have won even more victory today by exposing it. thank you for being willing to be transparent. i am sure that your message will speak volumes to many. i must say…and i do not say this to patronize you..but you are a beautiful woman! believe it
Your message is great and I think this was for me to read. Not quite sure how to break down my barrier that have been there forever. My husband is my rock and my strong point in my life and without him loving me I am not sure where I would be without him. Although what happened growing up was so long ago, it is so hard to get past and truly feel good about yourself but he is helping me get there. My Faith in the Lord is helping me grow but sometimes you feel lost and helpless on the forgiveness or how to deal with it. But thank you for sharing and you are beautiul.
*snifffffff* Ok, THAT was a powerful post. You are an amazing woman of faith and I admire the strength you found, only from GOD, that allowed you to write this. There are so many of us who were traumatized at one point in time – and some of us even more than once – and reading this has brought peace to me, and I’m sure it will to many others.
Girl – you are BEAUTIFUL! Inside AND out!!
Thank you so much for sharing. You’ll never know how much this has touched my life. I read it earlier this morning and couldn’t even comment. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Oh Dana…I have never said this on my blog for obvious reasons, but my husband is not a believer. Everyday, I plug away at trying to be a submissive wife and an obedient child of God in the crux of a half-worldly marriage. At the beginning of this year, I thought our marriage was over, but through lots of prayer, the Lord put it back together renewing my heart as well. So much so, that when I saw him, my heart would beat faster. As you can imagine there are so many issues in this marriage and in this family because we are unequally yoked. One of the hardest is not being able to share my love for Christ with him. So God blesses me other ways, with amazing supportive friends and daily opportunities to be His disciple. Without Jesus in my life, there would be no life, no marriage and a broken family with 3 precious children left to cope. HE is the answer to hopelessness, HE is the answer to new life. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I chose Him, that I said yes to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure there are MANY others out there who need to hear of His amazing grace and mercy. May God continue to bless you!
Someone needed this…thank you for telling your story and thank you for telling how good God is. No matter what we look like…He’s still there!
I love you dana and you are not only beautiful on the inside but the outside as well! I am so glad to call you my friend and a very good one at that and wow… our God is mighty to save! I am so excited that the Lord prompted you to share this because I think it could be the start of something amazing! I think we need to be more open about our wounds, our lowest points in life because otherwise some of the youth girls think how in the world can this older lady relate with things going on in my life right now! Anyway! Thanks for sharing your story and I pray that the Lord will use this to open many peoples eyes to His truth! 🙂
Umm…hmmm….I want to comment but I don’t know what to say. No, I don’t know HOW to say what I want to say. So I’ll just say thank you for sharing. There’s power in weakness and strength in letting go.
And anything else that comes out of my mouth right now would be hypocritical. So, I’ll just send you love.
Such a powerful post! I just know God has/will use your willingness to share this intimate part of your life history for His glory. My prayer for you is that He will bless you for being obedient in His leading you to share this….and that brick by brick he will dismantle our walls and reuse each stone to pave a beautiful path that leads to our understanding of His perfect purpose for each of us here.
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It is interesting when you posted this…4 days after I married Eddie. I am now divorced and broken. I am spending a lot of time in prayer and not just for me. I pray for him. I was directed to your blog by a mutual friend and I know how hurtful this man can be. I am so proud of you that you were able to pick yourself up from the depths you were in, to a place where you are now. Thank you for sharing, I know it was difficult. God will bring us through these tough times and goodness will await on the other side. Thank you again.